Girl Starts Making Out With Pillow to Make Sure She Doesn’t Forget How
Months of being indoors with no chance of smooching a stranger or acquaintance at a grimy function have led to atrophied tongues worldwide. It feels as though, even if this monster of a virus went away tomorrow, we wouldn’t be able to share a wet kiss on the mouth even if we tried. In times of need, we turn to the inventive and impassioned gals stuck in their bedrooms with nothing but their thoughts and somewhat damp pairs of underwear. One of these genius girls has found the perfect way to remain in kissing shape this stay-at-home season: making out with her pillow.
“Don’t look at me like that. I am not going to be caught being a bad kisser after this ends. I didn’t have my first kiss until freshman orientation, so I’m not what you would call “a natural talent,” I really have to work hard at it, and if that means putting tongue to my cotton pillowcase, then so be it,” said rising junior Carly O’Toole as she lit a candle and flipped over any and all picture frames in her room, for privacy. “Every night I go to sleep to the smell of my own saliva right next to my face. That’s the sacrifice a woman makes to do what she loves. I’m a trailblazer. What I’m doing here is new, brave and ultimately the invention of the century.”
“I’ve actually been exclusively making out with mirrors, shower walls, and pillows for what feels like forever now. I can’t remember the last time my lipgloss served a real purpose,” said graduating senior Jacqueline Johnson while looking longingly at her “secret” condom and vibrator drawer. “Sure, I miss being at risk of contracting mono every time I go to a bar, but this is still nice. I go to bed with the thing I hook up with, and then I wake up next to it again in the morning. Unless it falls onto the floor, either way, it’s easy access and I don’t have to pretend that I want to cook it breakfast or drive it home.”
If you’re someone who’s seriously considering frenching inanimate objects, don’t feel bad. It would be a great service to everyone if we all kept our tongues sharp for the big reunion at the end of this quarantine where we all join together and kiss on the mouth at the exact same time. Spice up your skills and maybe even give the clean laundry pile on your chair a lap dance. Kiss your pillows, your mirrors, your hands, literally anything you can get your lips on that isn’t another human person. More importantly, stay strong. Muah.