My Dad’s Ultimate Guide to What Your Lawn Says About You
Ever wondered what a 59-year-old man with nothing better to do thinks of your landscaping abilities? Well, you’re in luck! After a comprehensive study of a 20-minute drive with my father, I’m here to tell you exactly what my dad thinks of your lawn and what kind of person you are based on a wholly arbitrary and deeply subjective evaluation of your front yard. Here are the 5 main types of lawns that we found in a boring upper-middle-class neighborhood.
5. Cement and Rocks
These houses are usually gated and have a modern “two white cubes stacked on top of each other” look to them, but there’s a basketball hoop to show that people live there. The entire front of the house has those rocks that get absolutely everywhere and are definitely what causes most children to give up skateboarding, roller skating, and/or biking. My dad usually drives by these houses and says “I don’t like that one.” If you’re a kid that grew up in one of these homes either your parents paid too much attention to you or absolutely none at all, but either way you don’t have a great grasp on reality.
4. The Unattended
You know the type. The grass is so long that Fisher-Price toys are hidden in a green abyss waiting for you to get the mail barefoot. The weeds stick out so far it makes a part of you want to grab one and chew on it like a saloon owner. These types of lawns make my dad yell “look at this guy! You need to get movin’ buddy!” If you have this lawn then my dad would probably think you’re really lazy, but you’d get along really well once you show him some sort of adult-acceptable toy that you definitely have, like a dartboard or ping pong table.
3. The Perfect Lawn
This type of lawn looks like a movie set for “Desperate Housewives” in a way that you could lay down on the grass for hours and would be surprised to see a bug. These houses usually have a landscaping company’s truck parked in front of it 90% of the time and make my dad say “Look! They’re blowing leaves everywhere! It is a nice looking lawn though isn’t it.” These houses usually have at least two kids, with a requirement that one of them is a boy that is often seen shirtless and partaking in many sports activities, as seen by the progression of equipment left outside. People that live here are remarkably average, and my dad only wishes he were you.
2. The Forest
These are the houses that have vines growing up the walls, and you can’t even see the front door. These houses are always accompanied by an older woman with long grey hair that will talk to you for no less than 3 hours and send you home with a jar of honey. These are the houses that my dad usually parks in front of and says “go grab some avocados from that tree.” This household is either nudist or just stoned and never has anyone under the age of 50 come in nor out. Extra points for a quirky ocean-themed mailbox.
1. The Messy Bun of Grass
The grass that is bright green, not too short, not too long, much like a middle schooler’s nails. There’s a variety of bushes, flowers, and maybe some artfully-placed boulders. My dad sees these lawns and approves with a simple “now that’s a nice one.” The people that live here have a party for every occasion from baby cousin’s circumcision to that one aunt’s third divorce and they make sure you can hear it. There might be some trauma in the family, but it is beautifully covered with a charming poinciana tree and a tire swing.