Walking Outside: A Masterclass by J. Alexander
Quarantined inside? Plagued by the inescapable fears and anxieties of self-isolation? Need exercise? Well, look no further than your tiny screens, because the Queen of the Catwalk himself, Miss J. Alexander, just published a MasterClass teaching you everything you need to know about the art of walking. You might be wondering, how might I serve face if I’m shrouded behind a CDC-recommended mask? The answer lies no further than within J’s right-hand woman, the inventor of smizing, the one, the only Tyra Banks. Smizing is really your only means of telling a story from head to toe, so take that eye-patch off matey and let those pedestrians eat it!
The beginner level lessons lay out the basics: posture, balance, and a sustained 6-feet radius from all human contact. Once the foundation is laid, the module entitled “Walk as Though You’re Walking through Hell in Gasoline-Soaked Pajamas,” proved to be a more challenging study, yet realizing the world is already on fire helps. Walking enthusiast and Instagram model Gabbi Vargas gave her 30-day trial a dazzling review after watching the spike in floating rainbow hearts on her IG live while showing off her new walk. “The cursed app trapped me inside a little square, tricking me into thinking I had to compromise myself to fit this virtual box. Miss J released me from that box. She showed me the light of a full-body video. Thank you, Miss J, because of you I am free.”
Irving Goldberg, community elder and loyal fan of America’s Next Top Model, says that he got his $90-worth despite breaking his ankles so severely in 2006 that his doctors forbid him from wearing anything but a kitten heel. “Miss J has always been the reason I tuned into Top Model. She never had time for the girls who couldn’t walk, and I loved it.” When asked if he might be upset that Miss J doesn’t have time for him he said, “Hoe, don’t try it. I landed in crutches ‘cause I was walking too fiercely after season 7. You know, Melrose’s season? My pussy was popping so severely, she basically popped my whole left hip out. I’m just happy I can get my alone time with J. God knows I need a break from Bebe Rexha.”
If all you have to do is stay home, might as well walk laps around it. And, for the still pretty expensive price of $90, you could look even prettier and even more expensive, with just a few casual classes taught by the master, the queen, the icon and star themselves, Miss J. Alexander. So pick yourself up, wipe that depressive crust of crumbs forming around your jowls, and walk, dahling.