Your Friend on Their Fifth Smoke Break Is Worried About COVID Killing Them
Honestly, too much has happened in 2020. It’s difficult to find ourselves in the midst of a global pandemic and even harder to acknowledge just how many bad health habits we juggled before all of this. Quarantine has been a time for both depression and introspection. Anyway, it’s nice to see that most (emphasis on most) of your friends are wearing their masks and doing their part to #StopTheSpread. Your best friend, Emily, famous for wearing her used Puffs as jewelry and treating Twisted Tea as a substitute for psychotherapy, is really worried about catching coronavirus. In fact, she’s outlined a list of demands you should follow so that you’re both safe, which, ironically, is written with black eyeliner on the back of your lease that specifies a strict no smoking policy.
“It’s nice that Emily is trying everything she can to keep us safe, but she seemed baffled when we explained how second-hand smoke is dangerous,” explained semi-alcoholic roommate Anika Peters. “Just asking people to wear a mask so they don’t kill you is enough of a hurdle. You’d think a pre-med student like her would understand the risks of inhaling toxic chemicals on the regular--no matter how deliciously sweet and crisp the ‘lush ice’ flavor is. Vaping doesn’t exactly build your immune system and there’s plenty of other, healthier options for getting your half-hourly nicotine fix,” said Peters while downing her third screwdriver of the morning. “I, for one, would never put something so disgusting in my body.”
“Anika really worries me. She keeps drinking around the house and I really wonder about how safe she’ll be when she’s inebriated,” confesses Emily, your infamous friend who constantly blows dank clouds in the apartment. “Unlike some people, I know that every time we leave the house we put ourselves at risk of exposure. There is simply too much that can go wrong. I’ve been in the apartment for so long that I even started rewatching “Shameless” -- what year is it, 2015? We are all down in the dumps, people. Everyone is in a rough place right now, but I think it’s important that everyone is aware that I need my puff bar to get me through the stress. Eff y’all. This is my quarantine moment. I will turn our tiny balcony into the rooftop of Recess, so help me God.”
After that declaration of war, Emily proceeded to fill the apartment with more smoke than when you accidentally put a pack of PopSecret in the microwave for ten minutes. This might be another hazard to you, but it’s just one more thing for your careless landlords to ignore. They are still clutching your deposit and hoping you won’t notice the seven mystery charges they added while you went back home for quarantine. Nonetheless, you’ve already begun to ask your friends which of their couches you can crash on--just make sure you sanitize beforehand.