The Eggplant FSU’s Guide for Dummies: A Socially Distant White Trash Wednesday

The apocalypse is upon us. Zoom and Canvas already crashed, so society itself will probably implode in the coming days as more schools and universities begin to reopen. Even though we’re all technically supposed to stay inside to avoid the spreading of germs and Tallanasty’s trademark sexually transmitted infections, who can resist a little soiree at the Strip? This is the Eggplant’s step-by-step guide to optimizing your last few days before everything goes to shit, especially the last White Trash Wednesday of the year until Ol’ Trash Daddy sends everyone packing home with a dry cough and no sign of a refund.

Step 1: A Bare-ass Corner

This is an optional location but you need to sit in one and re-evaluate your life. Come on, I get you to want to live your fantasy college experience but maybe chill until people... like...stop dying en masse. Making out with randoms can wait until after the consequences of you having a cute night out don’t include the dissemination of a city’s elderly population. 

Step 2: Wear the Ugliest Cowboy Hat to Ever Grace the Shelves of Party City

Let’s face it, with that, everyone will be sure to avoid you in a six-foot radius. 

Step 3: Camo

The unofficial, official attire of WTW. It also conveniently makes you non-existent because you shouldn’t be at a party anyway, but that’s beside the point. Camouflage perfectly matches the weird call you feel to ruin a place you won’t even live in a few years from now. 

Step 4: Bath & Body Works Vanilla Coconut PocketBac™ Hand Sanitizer

Not only does it kill 99.99% of the germs you exposed yourself to after going number one in the Red Rocks bathroom, but it will also alert everyone of your presence. It comes in handy because it fucking reeks and no one actually wants to be near you.

So, unless we want to end up like the University of Alabama, do us a solid and just stay home. No one looks that good in plaid anyways.