Sororities Admit It's Hard to Judge Recruits’ BMI Over Zoom
As quarantine has come and gone, some things have remained--namely, the 15 pounds we all gained from drinking whatever we could find in our parents’ liquor cabinets and watching the U.S. collapse while every other country went back to some sort of normalcy. Thankfully, we all have our face masks to conceal any and all facial imperfections below the eyes. Regardless, some FSU students are finding the physical and mental effects of quarantine to be extremely problematic--namely, sorority girls.
McKenleigh Evans, a proud sister of Kappa Gamma Delta and aspiring behavioral neuroscientist and Etsy shop owner, is furious that recruitment is taking place over Zoom rather than happening in person. “Of course I want rush to happen like normal. The whole purpose of making them sprint around campus in stilettos is so their calves can get some extra toning by the time they visit our house. And so what if they get COVID? Obviously, there’s the risk of contracting coronavirus, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. My roommate got it and lost her sense of taste for a month. Not to be that person, but that sounds like a literal dream. Anyways, virtual recruitment is so unfair to the girls. How am I supposed to judge if they’d be a good fit for our sorority? By their personality? That’s not even part of our training.”
Reagan Bates, an incoming freshman and aspiring KGD, is worried that she won’t be able to show off her Orange Theory-sculpted-bod on gallery view. “While everyone else was sitting at home doing nothing, I risked my life to keep going to the gym, even though it was illegal. Contrary to popular belief, I exercise because it makes me feel good--you know, endorphins and all of that. Luckily, my friend’s dealer knew this guy who was running a “gym” in an abandoned strip mall. I know I’m gonna look good for recruitment, but now I’m nervous for the actual questions. I didn’t know there was going to be talking involved!”
Either way, all shapes and sizes are beautiful as long as you wear a mask and socially distance. Nothing is uglier than a blatant disregard for public safety. And remember, it could be worse! They could have had to cancel recruitment all together, like when the frats got Hand Foot and Mouth Disease a few years back. Stay safe and stay healthy, because online recruitment isn’t as bad as online school (we’re looking at you, Canvas).