Is COVID Real? Great Minds of the Frat House Sound Off
Florida State University is known worldwide as a hub of intelligence, education, and undeclared majors. With the threat of coronavirus looming, students might have to trade their beer bongs for ventilators, and as President Wet Blanket continues shutting down parties, FSU frats are left with nothing to do but talk to advisors about the status of their academic probation. Many students have theorized that COVID-19 is nothing more than a hoax and masks are just a way to get students to stop vaping in class. We at The Eggplant have decided to interview Florida State fraternities to see what they think.
Chaz (Pike): “Both of my parents have died of COVID, so I guess it’s real, but they both had preexisting conditions of being old and gross. If we can’t have parties, I’m losing my main source of income. I’m a physics and applied mathematics major, so I’m really good at ...calculating volume. Basically, my frat brothers pay me $20 each to stand outside the door and make sure no girls over 120 pounds come in and chub the place up. Without that, I’m probably gonna have to accept that paid internship with MIT. That’s really going to cut into my getting high and playing Halo time.”
Brock (T Chi): “I know that hazing is definitely not allowed under any circumstances. Just making that clear. But recruitment was my favorite part of being in a frat. Making 18-year-olds wear suits in 95-degree heat and forcing them to, um, go through various challenges was my favorite part of Greek life. Well, that and looking for drinks that girls leave unattended. All of that has been put on hold now. There’s no actual proof that COVID is passed through partying. Show me one study. If that was true, I would have heard about it on Joe Rogan.”
Tanner (Sig Ep): “This whole thing is blown all the way out of proportion. We can’t host parties or plan parties or go to parties, so what’s the point of college? I’m supposed to go to class like some nerd? The college of business requires a 2.0 average and I’m almost there. Now we have to take these online classes? I don’t even know how to use my computer for anything other than making Travis Scott playlists on Spotify. If this disease was real, then why have some students come back to school? Just for money? Come on, that would be way too irresponsible.”
Fraternities around Florida State are left wondering how they’ll operate, and the general consensus among the brothers is that coronavirus is not as bad as the news and science are making it seem. Hopefully, things will return to normal soon along with the esteemed institution of Greek life as we know it. If it doesn’t, then the parties will just have to go on.