September: The Rise of the Spoopy Girls
It’s that time of the year again! The time when your Twitter feed is filled with those pumpkin cookies that you’ve literally never seen in person, Starbucks advertisements and those girls from high school adding “spoopy” to the front of their name because apparently spooky just isn’t quirky enough. All year long, these girls wait in the depths of their Melanie Martinez-inspired bedrooms for the fall to finally arrive so that they can unleash their dominance. Christian girl autumn is no match against the consistently reigning champions of the fall season: Spoopy Girls.
“Halloween is my absolute favorite time of the year! Horror movies, pumpkin carving and guilt-tripping my boyfriend into making me a spooky basket in exchange for gaslighting me the rest of the year!” screeched Sav Waters, a self-proclaimed witch at heart and former member of the Phandom as she tried to stomach one of those white chocolate Reese's ghosts. “I already got my cat Salem and doggo Luna matching costumes! The pictures are always worth the multiple bite marks and that one time I got cat scratch fever.”
Local witch Minerva Wildes was less than flattered by these girls’ poor attempts in honoring the Autumn Equinox. “Quite honestly they’re ruining our brand. How are people supposed to respect our ancient craft when every girl that watched Sabrina and the Teenage Witch is claiming our crystals and curses!” exclaimed Wildes as she added her own frustrations into her anti-anxiety potion. “I heard they’re scheduling a Halloweentown showing at the graveyard and it’s like, how am I supposed to contact Gaia when the veil is thinnest if she’s concerned with catching COVID? These girlies can have their little movie marathon in the comfort of their dollar store decorated apartment.”
Whether you celebrate the season with spiced lattes, skeleton memes or seances, there’s no denying that Halloween is upon us with seasonal depression following closely behind. So make the most of this time of year by doing absolutely nothing because no one wants to see Talloween in the time of ‘rona. Maybe these quirky queens got it right when they romanticized not leaving your house because there’s nothing spoopier than spreading a deadly virus!