Professor With Sleep Schedule Just as Chaotic as Their Students’ Changes Office Hours To 3 AM

There isn’t a single college student who hasn’t found themselves staying up through the night only to sleep in so long that their roommates almost carted them off to the hospital. This is a vicious cycle that should be entirely manageable, but literally no one between the ages of 18 and 23 can be relied upon to make sound decisions regarding self-care. And now, with just about everyone stuck in their homes and unwilling to even look out a window to see if the sun is out, unsustainable and nonsensical sleep schedules seem to be spreading more rapidly than you-know-what (COVID, you dirty shits, get your head out of the gutter). Among these victims? Your very own professors.

“I already spent most of the summer playing Apex all night; there was no breaking that habit. I may be in my 40s at this point, but fam, I totally get the feel when you’re in the zone and just gotta get your next killstreak,” said Doctor Shores, who is most famous for joining his students each year in their fantasy football drafts. “Technically, university policy keeps me from hosting my office hours in the middle of the night, but I have tenure so in actuality I can do whatever I want. So if that means offering to video chat students for help with classes any insane time much to the annoyance of their parents, then that’s exactly what I will do.”

“No reasonable adult would stay up all night, much less try to get assistance with completing Calc III assignments in the dead of said night. If I ever stay up past 9:00 p.m., I act so tired you’d think I was coming down from horse tranquilizers--and not the good kind,” said morning person Andie Kane, who has adhered to the bedtime of “after Grey’s Anatomy but before the 11 o’clock news” her mom gave her for over 10 years. “I had to give up on office hours entirely! Now I give my insomniac friend all of my questions, which he takes to my professor for me. I feel like a lot is getting lost in translation since every time he comes back from the extra help sessions all he can talk about is how he and my teacher play the same League characters.”

Staying up all night may be fun in concept, but don’t be afraid to take an evening to slow down and catch up on all that lost sleep your body desperately needs. And maybe nudge your sleep-deprived professors in the same direction. It’s all fun and games until they pass out from exhaustion during the review lecture for your final exam that will very much still be graded. So please, take some Benadryl and zonk out before the sun comes up. Your brain needs it.