Eggplant Horoscopes September 2020
We’re over a week into September and the world still seems like a neverending hell fire. While the future may seem grimmer than the half-assed Halloween decorations your roommates are planning on putting up, your trusted Astrological Task Force here at the Eggplant FSU is here to bring some light into the dark pit that is 2020. So strap up your Doc Martens and grab your bibles, because Christian Girl Autumn is well on its way!
Aries: Just like the wildfires that are ravaging the west coast, you’re full of spark, Aries. Fall is a great time of year for you, as we all know that red and orange are your colors. Don’t forget to be extra patient with the water signs in your life, especially those who just learned that Climate Change is very much irreversible.
Taurus: Sweet bull, we love how stubborn you are when it comes to your lifestyle. Sure, others may find this quality annoying and frivolous, but we all know exactly who to go to when we wanna live that luxe life. Sure, you only have $40 in your bank account, but that’s gonna go towards a deliciously cozy fall sweater that will be perfect for some pumpkin patch pics.
Gemini: Gem, you thrive most in the summer, so the dawn of the new season may bring with it some difficulties in your life in the realm of relationships. Don’t give into instinct and become the stereotypical two-faced demon we all know you’re capable of being. Just because your friend is going back to her ex for the 4th time doesn’t mean she’s evil--she’s just dumb.
Cancer: Just like the crab, you tend to hide in your shell during any sign of adversity, Cancer. We don’t really blame you--the world is kinda ass right now. That being said, take this time of hardship to focus on yourself and grow from within. Try things like yoga or meditation, and if that doesn’t work then some good ol’ ‘you’ time will do the trick. No Brad needed.
Leo: Leo, your season may be over but that’s no reason to dull your shine, especially when the rest of the world is doing it for you. It can be hard to feel like your best self when no one is there to admire it, so take this time to get out of the crusty elementary school t-shirt you’ve been wearing for 4 days now and doll yourself up a bit! Put on whatever makes you feel best and hell maybe even send out a thirst trap or two, some attention from your horny followers never hurt anybody.
Virgo: Bitch, it’s your season. Take a selfie. Take two. Draw a picture of your face on your pillow and makeout with it. Better yet, kiss the reflection of your own lips on the mirror. You deserve it! We’re not wasting a hot girl semester and the movement starts with you. Also, stop crying. Your roommates can hear you.
Libra: The scales are tipping in your favor, Libra. This month opens new opportunities for getting a boyfriend because we said so. You’re on your way to that “new dick glow” that your luxurious Curology subscription just can’t give to you.
Scorpio: Just like a scorpion, you’ve got quite the stingers, Scorp. Don’t get too upset this month when a certain someone doesn’t catch onto your romantic advancements. Remember - you can give them all the signals, but you can’t make them smart.
Sagittarius: Listen, we know this month has been hard. It might finally be time to reach out to that ex of yours just to really put the final nail in the coffin. Don’t think of this as a negative thing. You can use this as an opportunity to finally say that monologue you’ve been practicing to your bedroom ceiling at night. Positive thinking, Sag! Take a breath and eat a little snackie or something.
Capricorn: Oh, busy Capricorn. It’s okay to take a break! We need you to know that. It’s time to stop volunteering to do extra stuff that wasn’t on your already packed out calendar and start checking up on your loved ones who haven’t heard from you in two weeks. Yes, it’s been two weeks. Take this as a sign to stop ignoring the passage of time. It’s real and you deserve to take fifteen minutes of it to rest your eyes to the sweet tune of W Mag’s celebrity ASMR.
Aquarius: Babes, let’s be real here: confrontation is in your near future (at least it should be). That conversation you’ve been putting off? You have to face it. It sucks, we know. But think of how good it will feel to send that crazy text and then put your phone down for three hours immediately after. As a treat, reconnect with your water sign realness and take a sweet socially distant trip to the beach.
Pisces: With the world’s impending doom on our hands and your own emotional turmoil, it’s easy for this fish to feel like it’s drowning. But you know what they say, just keep swimming. Your mind may be a battlefield between the reality of how absolutely horrible this country is and the fantasy of living like the main character of the last show you watched so it’s time to get grounded. Journal, go for a walk, or maybe just tidy up your bedroom because Tinder is taking up all your screen time.