Girl With Sneakers Stuck To Floor at Tennessee Strip Reportedly Still Waiting For Help
Things will truly never be the same in Tallahassee following this weekend’s heat-filled, coronavirus-ridden return to the infamous Tennessee Strip. Along with the obvious spike in case numbers, we’ve also been gifted a resurgence in random bathroom makeout sessions and beer-stained halter tops. Unfortunately, the resurrection of club life did not go well for everyone. An ancient fable once said: ‘where there are vodka-crans there are sticky dance floors,’ and some students were left unable to escape without casualty.
“I’ve been waiting here for days,” said local alcoholic Nicole Brinker. “I didn’t know they shut all the lights off after everyone leaves. I think this place might be haunted.” Brinker’s white Nike Air Force 1’s got caught in the crossfire on Friday evening when a combination of sweat, spit, and Pinnacle vodka cemented her soles to the floor at Red Rocks. “I don’t think I’ve ever been in this place even remotely sober until now. I never realized how shitty the music was. I called the police to come un-stick me but they just hung up. Do you think Nike will replace these shoes? Is the bar open? Can someone get me a Y-bomb?”
“The Strip? Yeah, we avoid that place like the plague,” said John Guff of the Tallahassee PD as he became red in the face and avoided eye contact at the very mention of a particular gal stuck to the dance floor. “I haven’t heard anything about Miss Brinker. We’ve been getting a lot of calls lately about seances occurring outside the football stadium so we’ve been really busy. I think those damn Tik Tok witches might have cursed our season. I’ll be sure to get one of my guys on Nicole’s case right away.” Guff then went into his phone and pretended to compose a message before quickly deleting it and moving his phone out of sight. “Yeah, they just said they’re heading over there right now,” he confirmed.
Nicole’s harrowing experience can be a lesson for all of us missing our normal pre-COVID lives. There is truly nothing quite like Tallahassee nightlife, and thankfully it seems all has returned to normal with the reopening of the Tennessee Strip. Many sneakers have been lost to the fire throughout the years, and it certainly seems as though a worldwide pandemic won’t be stopping girls from falling off the Yianni’s stripper poles anytime soon.