Girl With 74 New Year's Resolutions Still Eating Coffee and Weed for Breakfast

“New year, new me,” chant a whopping 70% of Americans that rely on the Gregorian calendar to solve their addictions, marital problems, or affinity for whatever Ronald McDonald coughs up. As it turns out, few succeed in their quest to kick some Maslow’s-Hierarchy-of-Needs-ass and go back to their sinful ways before the next full moon. Those that have a toxic relationship with New Year’s resolutions often fall victim to the empty promises that come from the prospect of a new start and their favorite Instagram influencer’s private island birthday party. The primary suspect: pretty breakfast gaggers.

“I really wanted to keep my resolutions, I have a whole Pinterest board filled with avocado toast recipes but I also physically cannot even think about a crumb of food hitting my stomach before my wake and bake,” said crystal-wearer Tori Rousso. “I’ve still kept a lot of my other resolutions though! I haven’t contacted my ex recently, though I’m not sure if him blocking my number after several late-night drunk spam sprees counts.” Some of Rousso’s other resolutions include going vegan, finally calling the counseling center, and learning how to crochet a sweater for her cat; so far she cut out red meat because she doesn’t know how to cook it.

Hailey Caufield, Rousso’s roommate and fully functioning human, had less faith in the wannabe girl boss. “When she told me all the resolutions she was making, I just sorta nodded along as encouragement but she thinks she’s going to flip her life around every time she watches another coming of age movie. I always support her but I wish she would just stick to something simple like drinking water instead of iced coffee because she simply doesn’t have enough passion for all these projects.” While Caufield may have been skeptical of her burnout bunkmate, that didn’t stop her from making some resolutions of her own. “Yeah, I’m moving out.”

While Sativa might pair well with a cup of Seattle’s Best, some may say that a glass of water and maybe some oatmeal are even better. So what is the solution to following through with your New Year’s resolutions? Experts say that it’s to not make any! Promising yourself abs and happiness can only lead to disappointment. So take pride in your horrible habits until your body eventually gives out like the rest of us!