BFA Class Rattled: Student Comes Out as Straight

Classmates of junior BFA Julie Roberts are still scrambling to process the fact that their fellow ceramics student is, in fact, a heterosexual. With such a LGBTQ+ dominated arts class, heads were left spinning as Roberts admitted she was indeed only interested in men. Perhaps it was the rainbow emoji in her instagram bio, the ever present clomping of her Doc Martens, her obsession with Charli XCX, or the fact that she has zodiac compatibilities memorized that mislead nearly everyone to believe otherwise. 

“Yeah, I just really like rainbows. Who doesn’t?” Roberts shrugged when asked about the emoji in question. “Honestly I just hope they don’t see me any differently. I am who I am, and if that’s the Token Straight, then so be it.” Eyebrows were initially raised when Roberts was dropped off by her smelly looking boyfriend last week, giving him a peck on the lips before rollerskating the next few yards to class. She was apparently confused at first as to why people would think she was gay, starting to ask before being interrupted by the collective sounds of jaws hitting the floor.

“Of course we support her, but I had that bitch pegged as bi since day one. Did you see all the enamel pins on her jean jacket?” stated student Aaron Suarez, Interior Design major and self-described Bjork superfan, “We’re just not sure if we believe her; she doesn’t look straight. Between her self-cut curtain bangs and the constant thrift-shopping, I guess it came as a shock. I get that it’s not a choice, but I just feel sorry for her. It’s a rough world out there, and if her only options are straight men I can only wish her luck.” 

“I asked her if she really knew, you know?” says Julie’s closest classmate, Olivia Merriett, when we absolutely did not ask. “She hasn’t even tried dating girls, so how can she say she doesn’t like them? It just sounds so closed-minded. Toxic even.” Merriett was later seen rapidly deleting photos of Roberts off of her phone when she thought we weren’t looking. Upon further inquiry, she declined to make any further comments between her sobs in the bathroom stall she fled to. We feel you, Olivia.