White Guy in Your Intro To Film Class Probably Won’t Be the Next Spielberg

With the new semester beginning earlier this week, Florida State students are preparing to learn more about their chosen fields and connect with classmates. While struggling to come up with even one interesting fact about one’s self for icebreakers is a tantalizing task, everyone’s social meter will surely be drained following the first week of school. While this may feel like a fresh start, it feels important to remind students of a key thing to keep in mind when venturing into their majors: no matter what your professor or peers say, that young white boy in your Intro to Film Studies class will not be the next Steven Spielberg. 

“You can always tell when someone’s going to be a star.  This kid? He’s it. On the first week of classes, he showed up late 3 times, and we only had class twice! Each time, he walked in at a pace similar to that of a Tik Tok dancer doing a slo-mo dougie, it was really amazing,” said Justin Wilder, an aging film professor at FSU. While the young white boy scrolled Letterboxd and threatened hate crimes to anyone leaving 5 star reviews on ‘Mamma Mia,’ the teacher went on. “Quite remarkably, this boy noted that when Damien Chazelle used the color red in ‘La La Land,’ someone was probably mad. After thinking it over, it’s very probable that someone was mad in that cinematic universe at that time.”

“On the first day of class, he said his favorite film was an obscure indie flick called ‘Fight Club.’ On an even more impressive note, he said he watched the whole film in French in order to get a taste for international features,” gushed Sarah Robins, FSU freshman. It should be noted, the young white boy does not speak French. Despite being well-versed in movies surrounding men resorting to physical violence against women, experts in the field promise, he will not be a Spielberg type. “The other day, he told me Leonardo DiCaprio is, like, his 8th cousin. That brings my degrees of separation away from Leo’s backyard sex dome down by so much. The only time he’s ever cried is when Leo finally got an Oscar, and we love men with emotional range.” 

While many men will fall under the ‘young white boy’ trope in upcoming film classes, don’t fret. Although memorizing every word to Breaking Bad may seem like a tough feat, its proven much more difficult for these men to maintain daily hygiene and use basic levels of sympathy when speaking on political issues. Remember, there are no Spielbergs in your class! At most, there may be a few wannabe Quentin Tarantino’s--but the only similarities between him and your classmates are their love of feet.