Man With Neck-Beard Insists Women Should Shave More
Tyler Warren, a proud men’s rights advocate, has recently spoken out about ‘a new plague’ that threatens our youth. Unfortunately, this has nothing to do with the COVID-19 pandemic and everything to do with the apparent crisis of body hair that the female student population is experiencing. Tyler is concerned, and insists he is only voicing his opinion so strongly for the sake of our big-boobied ladies out there. Unrelated, he also has the accumulated body hair mass of a grown bear.
“I saw a girl who-” Warren pauses mid sentence to swallow in discomfort, eyes darting around from underneath those bushy eyebrows, “Who hadn’t shaved her armpits. Her freaking pits dude. I didn’t even know girls could grow hair there. That’s kind of messed up.” What was messed up, however, was the fact that after finishing this sentence he fished out a spare Ritz cracker from his beard and began munching on it to calm himself down. “More and more girls seem to think this kind of thing is okay, we need to let them know it’s really not. Any hair from the neck down is just a major turn off.”
Warren, along with his fellow furry frat brothers, has organized a charity effort affectionately known as P.U.B.E.S (Protecting Unshaven Babes to be Even Sexier). Their goal? Aggressively encouraging ladies on campus to kiss that stumpy wumpy hair goodbye. “He saw me coming out of CVS and made a beeline for me so fast I grabbed my mace,” Says Casey Howzier, a junior who doesn’t really stan shaving her arms, “This guy leans next to me and slips something in my bag, a pack of cheap plastic razors. He gave me a wink saying, ‘just looking out for you and those sexy elbows, babygirl.’ I was speechless.”
Though their methods have received some backlash, they seem determined to provide women with the tools they need. “Empowering women is hard work, but at the end of the day, my boys and I know this will make the world a better place. We’re just helping them get laid,” Warren said while stretching out his spine, revealing two absolute wicker baskets of ingrown hairs and matted curls prouting from his underarms. He’s hoping the efforts will provide him with community service hours, and more importantly, a ‘hairless babe.’ Stay classy, Tallahassee.