Lonely Singles Are Happier, Reveals Study Done by Lonely Single

FSU has remained academically significant for different factors, one being the major findings achieved by its Psychology research findings. Over the course of a recent study, the lab has found evidence suggesting straight white boys are more likely to have their DUI charges expunged than any other demographic. Other studies show that there is a high correlation between girls increasingly insisting they can hold their liquor and vomit coating the floor at RedRocks. But the results of one of their newest studies have just been seen as a point of major controversy due to conflict of interest: lonely singles find that lonely singles are significantly happier than couples.

“My results are entirely valid! So what if my participants were all my buddies from my Saturday night DnD group, notoriously perma-single and riding an all-time high since the new HuniePop release,” said Nick Bridgham, a first-year psychology grad student working towards his thesis on why girls won’t date him. “See! This is what a happy person looks like. Not someone in a stable, loving and supporting relationship. I get to play video games whenever I want alone, eat whatever I want alone, jerk one off alone… I’m so lonely. I mean, I wouldn’t have it any other way. This is definitely the best.”

“This research is completely invalidated, and frankly an insult to the respectable FSU psychology department. Here, our research is completely valid and executed with proper sample populations,” said Sophia Hertz, who thinks that her research on the long-term psychological effects of prolonged silence should be the hot topic of this article. “WASP’s are a comprehensive and representative population for the United States as a whole, right?” Sophia then decided, in a testament to her research, to finish this interview with more than 20 minutes of dead silence.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t seem to matter how happy we are because ultimately we are all dead inside. But if you plan on trusting the results of a study, be careful about your fact-checking! You might think that life could be a little sweeter with a loved one at your side, and you’d be absolutely right. Until that happens for anyone, long live the single bachelor eating for two (not in a pregnant way) alone at their desk.