Young Woman Arrested for Murder on Valentine’s Day, Claims Mercury Was in Retrograde

At 8:00 pm on the night of February 14th, one of the most toxic days of the year, 21-year-old Lola Mason was found dead in her bathroom after not showing up to her big V-Day plans (ordering a pizza and watching the first 15 minutes of a movie of her choosing with her previously-ex-boyfriend). The lead suspect is Mason’s roommate Melody Rivera, who claims to have been  “so fucking tired of that guy.” Rivera has essentially confessed to the slaying but is in contact with lawyers about convincing the judge to go easy on her, citing the misalignment of the planets as the catalyst for her crime. 

“I don’t know what happened. I came over to pick her up and after two texts and three beeps she didn’t come out. I thought about texting my other ex but then I remembered that she posted about some dude on her story, plus my Outback coupon was going to expire,” recounted 23-year-old Austin Nesser, who began dating Mason on an on-and-off basis two years ago “I knocked on the door and her bitch roommate Nikki let me in. When I went up to her room I found her just laying there. At first, I thought she fell asleep but then I looked harder and realized what happened. I was so distraught that I ended up hooking up with someone from Tinder that night.”

“When that idiot Austin said Lola was gone, I had to act surprised even though I already knew who did it. When I told Melody that Lola was hooking up with her ex when they were supposed to go to open mic night together, Melody literally said ‘the only way they will stop fucking is if I kill one of them and Lola’s a lot closer,’” said Nikki Ramos, who tries not to involve herself in “roommate drama.” “I wasn’t going to rat her out but she already went on her whole Mercury is in Gatorade rant with the cops and I think they might even be buying it? Or maybe it’s just because Melody’s dad owns the Squatty Potty and paid someone off; it’s none of my business.”

One factoid missing from this case is that Mason was found without a single scratch. It was also revealed that Rivera had a voodoo doll that was an exact replica of her ex-loving roommate and her dumb little boyfriend. Whether it was witchcraft or a freak accident, one thing can be certain: Valentine’s Day Massacres never go out of style.