Savvy Grifter Sells Red Beanies on Landis Following Red Beanie Preacher
Preaching about how FSU students are going to hell is not anything new. Listen, most of us are acutely aware of how damnation is our current retirement plan. We can barely see ourselves living in our current, pandemic society outside of college. Nonetheless, every year or so, someone walks out onto Landis and tells everyone how their faith will stop the everyday problems like bad habits and sleep already do. These past few days have seen the rise of the “Beanie Woman” and those determined to make a quick buck.
“I share my religion with all the business majors on campus: I worship exploitation for capital gains baby,” explained the nameless, savvy grifter while he sold his red beanies ten feet away from the crowd. “Did you see the money those kids made by selling hoodies at the Capitol riots? Anyone will buy literally anything if it screams, ‘I was here!’ in some way. I like to match my merchandise with whatever highway robbery cost CDU comes up with for their merch. Last week I charged twenty bucks for ‘Hozier Bottled Water’ and they all seriously bought it. I would never question anyone’s choice in entertainment but surely there are better ways to get verbally abused? Get a boyfriend or something, I don’t know.”
“I think these people are running out of material. They just called us thots for like the fifth time this hour,” wondered onlooker Jonathan Blower as two more random people kissed in front of the preachers. “I also can not help but feel like this is exactly what these hooligans are looking for. It’s great that everyone on campus doesn’t take these people seriously and will dance to WAP when they start reciting Bible passages but isn’t attention their goal? It’s this weird paradox of not wanting to give these kinds of people recognition but also boy it is hilarious to cheer when they say we’re disappointing our parents. What do I know? My name is John Blower.”
We’re not sure if this same beanie woman is still preaching on campus but this will not stop the grifter from making a fortune. Rumor has it that the FSU College of Entrepreneurship has already invested in the apparel start-up. According to their business plan, the sales pitch will simply shift dramatically to just be “beanies for winter.” Or maybe they’ll embroider MAGA on them. It’s kind of a toss up honestly.