Indie Guy Would Totally Kiss a Man if He “Had To”

Converse, beanies and suede jackets are the proud emblems of the indie male: a soft boy who trots his open-mindedness and wokeness by using such words as “insofar” and “writ large.” While these dudes are typically known for manipulating women so covertly that by the time they realize it’s happening it’s too late, some like to hint at leaning into bicuriosity. We spoke to a local indie guy who randomly expressed his ability to kiss a man if the opportunity presented itself.

“Look, I’m pretty open to kissing a guy. If a man came over to me and said, ‘kiss me and all of your student debt will be forgiven’ I’d do it,” said Keith Mitchell as he sipped an IPA at a “COVID” kick-back. “If a guy told me, ‘Hey kiss me, I dare you’ I’d be super down for it...I mean, if I had to, you know. All I’m saying is that if the opportunity to kiss another guy arose and the stakes were high enough, I would probably send it. I would even be okay with adding in tongue if was a serious enough situation. Again, though, only if I had to.” 

“I thought Keith was bi, but no, he just really wants people to know that he’d be fine with kissing a man if there was a specific situation where he needed to,” stated Keith’s friend-with-benefits Danielle Parnell as she paused the Rachel Maddow Show Podcast on her phone. “He spent 20 minutes at the kick-back explaining that he would be really excited to kiss a guy given certain circumstances where it would be a crime not to. To save his mother, to get money, if it ‘felt right.’ It’s like, OK man, it’s 2021, we get it.” 

When asked directly by a man if Keith wanted to kiss him right then, Keith said he had to run to his bio class at Ruby Diamond, which makes it seem like Keith is all talk and no smoochie-smoochie. Next time you see an indie guy at a party, maybe find your besties and let that indie guy talk to the next indie gal about his ability to kiss a man if he absolutely needed to, or maybe just wanted to.