It’s St. Patrick’s Day: The Perfect Way College Students Are Justifying Their Alcoholism This Week
While the Ides of March may have passed by without a single politician being stabbed, the next chaotically meme-worthy holiday is already upon us. St. Paddy’s Day is finally here in all of it’s Guinness, shamrock shake, leprechaun-y glory. So slap on that green glitter eyeshadow and pucker up for a boy from the Catholic Student Union who got at least 1/8 Irish on his ancestry.com test... it’s time for one of the easiest holiday’s to exploit and write off all wild and potentially alcoholic tendencies!
“I’m gonna get a raw potato special with the ‘buy 1, get 3 beers free’ deal cause that's so Ireland vintage-chic. I mean sure, I’m keto, but for a deal like that, every day could be a cheat day in my books,” said Cassidy Gill, who usually just chugs straight from her handle of vodka to start off a good evening, but decided to make an exception for this momentous holiday. “For a day like today, there’s nothing to do but go big or go home. And when I say go big, I mean if you don’t get kicked out of at least one bar for harassment complaints after pinching every person who isn’t wearing green, then you really haven’t lived.”
“If another drunk sorority chick tries to drape one more strand of gaudy, green dollar store beads around my neck I’m gonna hurl. And by hurl I mean her. Out a window.” said Anna-no-fun-O’Connell, who’s only goal in going out this St. Patrick’s Day is to reprimand everyone else out having a good time for endorsing blatant and offensive Irish stereotypes. “The next person who I catch faking an Irish accent is gonna get smacked. Or maybe not, I don’t know if I could tell a real one from a fake one, it's been 100 years since my family got to Ellis Island. Irish accents already sound fake as is.”
If you plan on going out this St. Patrick’s day, there’s no shame in wondering if calling every girl under 5”2’ a leprechaun is going too far. At the end of the day, have fun, be safe and potentially have a heart-to-heart with yourself regarding your highly excessive alcohol intake. Maybe wait until the morning after to do that, though. After all, why ruin a perfectly good excuse to get sloppy?