Eggplant Horoscopes March 2021

Happy anniversary to the bitch who can’t stay out of everyone’s mouths and immune systems: Miss Rona! This hard year filled with isolation, week-long hobbies and (of course) failed love connections has finally come full circle. Though the vaccine may be giving, “friend who says they can be ready in five minutes when they really need ninety” she’s finally here and hitting the world’s stage. With that, The Eggplant FSU’s team of sexy and gorgeous astrologers is here to tell you the good word from the month of March.

Aries 

How long has it been since you’ve cried, fiery Aries? The month of March bodes well for you, but it will be even better once you use those capable hands to dredge up any and all feelings you’ve been shoving into your “feelings vault” for the past year and however many months. It’s time! Think of all the attention you’ll get when you open your door and all of your roommates are like, “wait...what’s wrong?” Hit play on that sad playlist, babes, and let the waterworks flow. 

Taurus

Lots of things are happening dear Taurus, don’t escape to the closest Forever 21 and stay true to the little voice trapped inside your overactive mind. It’s time you get out of your (quite nicely decorated) comfort zone and try something new! Try watercolor! Or Pegging! I don’t know, just literally anything that isn’t watching “Girls” again.

Gemini

Hey twin, you look extra sexy during this time of year. Maybe it’s because you’re a summer baby and thrive while under direct sunlight, much like a houseplant. Or maybe your Wellbutrin is finally kicking in. Either way, March will bring you lots of fun in the sun, so make sure to dust off your favorite ‘kini and lather up with SPF. It’s hot out there ;)

Cancer

Crabby Cancer, we meet again. You may be thinking, “are they just going to roast me for crying all the time like they do every month?” And that’s a great assumption, because the answer is yes. Spring is a time for growth and rebirth, not sobbing into a bag of cool ranch Doritos over the disappointing “Bachelor” finale. Get it together.

Leo

Rawr XD, Leo. It means “I love you” in Dinosaur. Speaking of love, March will bring about lots of romantic suitors just itching to buy you an overpriced latte at PaperFox. Keep your mind and heart open, especially since some of these potential beaus may not exactly be your type on paper. Can’t imagine yourself settling down with a nicotine-addicted amateur stand-up comic? No one does--just accept it.

Virgo

Virgo, virgo, virgo. March is a month filled with many successes for you, similarly to every other month. Put down that book you’ve read 12 pages of and buy another, as per usual! Love is in the air, maybe, but only if you remember to not try and change anyone within a 6 mile radius of you. It’s not your fault you’re perfect, but it must be hard work! To fully lean into your power this month, make sure to order postmate sushi and spend at least $37 when doing so. We fully recommend watching whatever silly little teen rom com floats your yacht! 

Libra

My dear, you are booked and blessed, aren’t you? Make sure to take a second to appreciate all of the good things and people passing through your life right now. More so, though, make sure to not take it all for granted. It’s nothing personal. You’re just a Libra and we have no idea of telling which way your scales are tipping on any day. Kisses!

Scorpio

Saucy Scorpio, we’re gonna be honest here: you scare us. Your assertive personality mixed with your water-y emotional manipulation techniques are both admirable and terrifying at the same time. This month, we recommend taking charge of your personal wellness. Go on a walk, sit by the pool, get a mani/pedi. Anything that doesn’t involve making your roommates sit back and wonder: “does she hate me or is that just how she talks?”

Sagittarius

Sag. Please. I need you to keep it together just a little bit longer. Getting on the waitlist for the vaccine is not even close to being immune. Take off the “Kiss Me I’m Irish” shirt because I promise Pots will be open for many Happy Hours to come. And I’m sure you’d prefer a green Four Loko anyway. It’s beautiful outside! Do everyone a favor and flock to nature before you wreak havoc on the people of the 850.

Capricorn

Hey, hey, hey Cap take it easy. I promise the world will keep turning even if you get a C on that exam (okay maybe it won’t but if it doesn’t it literally has nothing to do with your exam). The stars are aligning for you in good fortune the way that you should maybe align your back and take a minute to stretch because boss babes don’t slouch! Take some time for yourself and rewatch Bridgerton because you’re definitely not going to remember that show when you’re rich, retired, and finally ready to settle down at the ripe age of 65.

Aquarius

Oh, wise aquarius. March will be filled with much school work and therapizing those around you, but don’t fret! This month, someone close to you will realize that you do, in fact, have feelings. What to do with this new power? Get a new piercing, tattoo, or body alteration of course! While this month isn’t going to be all about you, may you recognize one of your greatest powers: Harry Styles shares your sign! In true Styles’ fashion, we “Adore You”! 

Pisces

It’s YOUR time. Yes, you should be making the Dua Lipa Grammy win all about you. Who else is it for? Now that everyone’s half-vaccinated, there’s never been a better time to open-mouth kiss everyone in your 4x4 apartment in celebration of your birthday. Cheers, you sad bitch, go get some well-deserved drink and intimacy.