Friend Who Jokes About Doing Hard Drugs Actually 100% Serious if You’re Down

Avid ASAP Smoke Shop enthusiast and ‘casual’ local stoner Bridget ‘Biggie Smokes’ Geoff enjoys a good kickback as much as anyone. Her friends know this pretty well by now, happy to indulge with her from time to time on a friendly bong rip or the juul she can’t stop losing. With vaccinations on the rise and students slowly realizing thanks to Mommy Moderna they can finally have a social life again, many have started making big plans. While some may have their sights set on road trips, mini raves, or defrosting their ho phases, Bridget has made it pretty clear she’s got one thing on her mind. 

“Drugs.” Geoff stated, nudging one of our staff with a wink and a laugh that didn’t reach her eyes, “Cold, hard drugs. Do you have any idea how many times I lost my mind stuck in quarantine because people like Tyler from Beta Fish Cry couldn’t keep their dicks away from Pots for the last twelve months? Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting for this vax juice to be coursing through my veins, the lengths I will go to in order to feel alive again after all this time? You could put anything in front of me and I would put it in my mouth, nose or ass. Literally any substance in any orifice.” 

“I’m not talking about popping some LSD in the Recess bathroom like a pussy. I’m talking crack, smack, fresh powder, ketamine, jingle jangle, reindeer urine, snake venom, ayahuasca--I’m trying to see the spirit world. I’m trying to touch the face of God.” She laughed again, cold and lifeless, “If an orgy seems to slip in along the ride, or a couple of cults ceremonies, or a blood oath or two, fuck man, so be it.” 

We awkwardly laughed this off before taking the number of her dealer whom she affectionately refers to as ‘The Educator’. While we do not recommend looking up those last five substances or joining friends like Bridget to the full extent of these escapades, it’s clear many are hurtling towards a new kind of roaring twenties post pandemic. Whether you’re about that reindeer piss or will just settle for grabbing a beer with the vaxxed buddies, Noles, we hope you have yourself a merry little vacation in the better times to come.