Your Fantasy of Getting Pegged by the Entire FSU Soccer Team is Valid

While FSU Football currently has us embarrassed to wear Seminole gear to family reunions, it’s important in these bleak times to remember that we have other sports teams (yes, you heard that correctly). Unlike that last Louisville game and your recent ex, one team, in particular, won’t leave you crying in a fetal position on your bathroom floor. Soaring above North Carolina, Duke, and UCLA and ranking #1 nationally, ladies and gentlemen, Seminole Soccer is here to rescue us from evil. While students have been flocking to support the team with every ounce of fanatic sports fan energy they have left, the amount of enthusiasm has become a bit alarming. 

“I had this amazing dream that my head was a soccer ball,” muses senior Allie Denerlin while ironing her Seminole game day flag and looking dreamily into the distance, “In all honesty, I would pay to have one of them kick me in the ribs.” That’s a valid statement Allie, but let’s settle for cheering on our athletes from a safe distance in the stands. Fans were additionally taken aback when reminded that FSU also has teams for baseball, basketball, cross country, softball, tennis, swimming and diving, volleyball, golf, and even more. 

“I was so used to feeling the crushing depression of defeat that when my friend dragged me to a soccer game, I didn’t expect anything different,” says Carter Seymour, a sophomore who just found out about our soccer team to begin with, “After seeing them wipe the floor with Boston College I would let any of those ladies, hands down and respectfully, peg me within an inch of my life. Am I unworthy? Yes. Would I tell my grandkids about it? Also yes.” Understandable Carter, let’s unpack that later. 

It’s safe to say this season that our soccer team is kicking ass and taking names like the glorious herd of strong, swift gazelles that they are. Seminole stans seeking refuge from shame have found a utopia amongst the shining bleachers of the Seminole Soccer Complex; floored by the euphoria of feeling something again when witnessing legitimate wins. Crowds have been pushed to tears (the good kind for a change) while the awkward question hangs in the air; “Why the hell weren’t we talking about this more?” The answer? Sexism.