Landis Pull-Up Bars Aren't Sure Why They're There Either

Stonehenge. Easter Island. The Pyramids. That one run-down hotel on Tennessee Street across from Degraff and the cursed McDonald’s. These places are shrouded with mystery and their purpose has been lost to time. They are now nothing but monuments of bygone eras. Today, we’re giving a special spotlight to one such relic of the past that has baffled the greatest minds of our generation: the Landis pull-up bars. Situated across from the Montgomery building, these mysterious metal pull-up bars are some of the only non-bench fixtures of Landis. Bars of metal….amidst trees and grass. Their seeming lack of purpose has captured the imagination of many including one self-described historian.

“Well you see, the pull-up bars are actually a remnant of the Chin-Up Craze of 1964. Maybe. I can’t really remember anything before 1983,” recalls history fanatic Indy Jonesy while he polishes a crystal skull stolen from a temple in Peru. “These types of forgotten structures are quite common across college campuses. Think about how many neglected benches you have walked past. It’s usually donated by some sorority that sounds like someone threw darts at a board covered with Greek letters but hasn’t seen any proper maintenance in years. Anyone  wondering when was the last time an ass touched that bench? No one knows. It’s an extremely expensive bench for bird poop and insects now.”

“It’s a bit of an eye sore though I guess they still had those JCPenney red resort chairs out there for a while. It made sense for the event but not when they were perpetually soaked with all this rain,” laments student Damp Danny as he sat on one of those wet, red resort chairs. It was still raining. “I just want to talk to whoever built those bars out there. I want to ask them why they stopped at just the pull-up bars. Why not just slap a whole playground out there at that point? It’s almost like someone had this great vision of students building their muscles out on the green but got embarrassed about adding anything else. There’s no dedication or sign either. It’s just the pull-up bars and Landis. It’s so silly that it is beautiful.”

Since Indy’s public appraisal, there has been a line for the pull-up bar. The pull-up bar has become just as legendary as the Westcott fountain. Many predict that doing a chin-up will be just as important as being dunked in the fountain on a 21st birthday. The Leach has since been protesting this new tradition for several days now. They swear that their pull-up bars are “way cooler.”