BREAKING: You’re Not “Bad at Texting,” You are Just Bisexual
Here at The Eggplant, we understand the hassles of having a busy schedule. Running around to campus events and making time for your sneaky link each week is a balancing act. Add in the time it takes to cuff your jeans and tuck in your shirt each morning and there is no time in the day for anything outside the essentials. But, no matter how packed your schedule looks, there’s a sneaking suspicion that tells us your phone was on you the whole time. It’s true, sometimes we just forget to respond to that text that popped up during our three hour TikTok binge. But, if you’re someone who is looking at 415 unread texts and a full voicemail box, that’s not being bad at communication, bestie. That’s bisexuality.
We got a statement from a “bad texter” herself, Josie Flemming. “I guess my phone just gets lost at the bottom of my tote bag some days. When I do finally check it, I just go straight to the Twitter app or Instagram where I run my thrifting page. I have five hundred unread texts and I actively choose to not mark them all as ‘read’ just to start fresh. Sure, it’s a hellhole and I can’t see past my cracked phone screen, but I’m just such a bad texter. I’d rather just FaceTime my friends or profess how much I care for them through a personalized and heartfelt poem once I remember they exist.” She sipped her oat milk latte, “the best way to reach me is probably through an Instagram story swipe up. You’ll know I like you if I add you to my close friend’s list.”
Josie’s not-so-secret admirer chimed in as well. “I’ve had a crush on Josie for months and I don’t think she has noticed. Maybe her platform Converse just make her too tall to see me. I’ve texted her a Spotify link almost every day this week now and they’re just accumulating. She said she likes me back but that she’s just ‘bad at texting.’ Yeah, I’ve gotten that one before. That being said, I’m not going to give up. Maybe she just doesn’t hear her phone in the pocket of her denim jacket. I’d love to get ramen or something with her sometime, but my messages just keep getting lost in the graveyard of her texts.”
The Eggplant has full faith that you can take off the beanie and face your important text messages this week. Don’t let that looming red iMessage icon take over your life. A lot of us can relate to Josie, but it’s time to take a long look at ourselves in the Williams building bathroom mirror and ask ourselves if we’re bad at texting or just bisexual.