Suwannee Employee Caught Sneaking Wood Chips into the Food

As of late, many students have noticed that food in their favorite of the nine circles of hell, the Suwannee Dining Hall, has become even more inedible than usual. The employees were just as depressed and lifeless, typical– can you blame them? But the food was somehow worse than ever. Students reported splinters in their teeth and unnaturally chewier dishes. Some people even claimed there was chunky water. These issues prompted the victims to write official letters outlining their grievances toward the dining hall, which were immediately thrown away by the staff. Despite all of the efforts made by the students, the complaints went unnoticed for days as it just sounded like business as usual at Suwannee. 

Everything seemed normal until junior Max Brentman bit into his burger and instead of the crunch of lettuce he expected, he felt the crunch of wood chips as they lodged themselves into his gums. His screams of pain and dissatisfaction left the dining hall in utter silence. “Who the fuck puts wood chips in a burger? How does that even fucking happen?!” Exclaimed Brentman, holding his jaw while going to get another. No surprise to anyone, the second burger was also filled to the brim with wood chips. Brentman, who can’t seem to catch a break, remarked, “I just didn’t think it could happen a second time. Boy was I wrong.” After Brentman bravely spoke out about the issues with his meal, other victims began to come forward. They claimed that there were wood chips in not just the burgers but also the sandwiches, omelets, chili, and even the water.

These allegations against Suwannee Room launched an official FDA investigation of the facilities. The head agent of the case, Arthur Cohen led his team of investigators through the dining hall, interviewing the employees. Cohen noted their, “soulless eyes” and, “ice cold stares,” but chalked it up to the result of being paid minimum wage to wait on ungrateful college kids . The investigation team found it difficult to squeeze any information out of the employees until Cohen had the brilliant idea to switch his questioning strategy. He began starting every line of questioning with, “What’s the worst thing about serving college students?” This got people talking and that’s when Cohen finally got a lead on the case. An older employee named Margaret Pinkerton at the soup and salad bar had this to say, “These asshats don’t know how good they have it. That’s why some of us decided to fuck with the food.” Shocked by her sudden admission of guilt, Pinkerton quickly took back what she said but the damage was done. Cohen pressed for more information until she finally cracked, “Okay, fine! It’s just so boring here. We have to find some way to keep ourselves entertained! Plus we wanted to be featured by The Eggplant; they haven’t written about us in a while.” Pinkerton, holding back tears, then opened the freezer to reveal a huge stash of wood chips tucked away.

But there was still one question stuck in Agent Cohen’s head. “Why wood chips?” he asked Pinkerton. “Oh, that’s simple. We get a lot of our deliveries in wooden crates, so we just smashed them and put the pieces to good use.” With the case solved, Cohen and the rest of his team concluded their investigation and reported back to their headquarters. Since their departure, nothing has changed about the wood chips in the food. Some would say it has actually gotten much worse than it was initially. Out of spite, the employees began serving the wood chips as stand-alone meals and in a surprising turn of events, wood chips have now become a very popular item at the dining hall. Students unanimously agree that the wood chips taste better than all the other options at Suwannee; it appears that wood chips are here to stay and students couldn’t be happier.