Jordan B’s Day Off

I, Jordan B, peek out from my living room and see that you’re still standing there. In the hallway of my apartment. I’m baffled but I approach you. I get right in your face.

“You’re still here?”

I blink once. Twice.

“It’s over! Go home.”

I turn around and start to make my way back. As I walk, I take a moment to look back at you and shoo you away.

“Go.”

I disappear for a moment into the next room. A minute passes. I peek out again and see that you’re still there. I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh.

“What? Why are you still here? I graduated! I gave you four years worth of goofs and wisdom. Did you think I had some kind of nostalgic, gracious goodbye planned for my graduation? Did you expect me to reminisce?”

You are still standing there. 

I walk back over to you and I shake my head, “I do want to say thanks to so many people though. See, I’m indebted to all the amazing writers and the legendary editors (Michael, Grace, Mallory, Meagan, Connie, and Delaney) I met over the four years that have re-written and made suggestions on my articles. You all made me so, so much better as a writer. Then, a special shout out goes to Anne who joined the Eggplant with me. I’ll never forget rushing to pledge chapter together after Eggplant meetings and arriving way too late. Of course, I want to thank my family and friends who are often my inspiration. All I’ve ever wanted to do was make you all laugh. Oh, and thank you to all enemies, exes, and everyone that has ever inconvenienced me in the slightest. You bunch are the real reason I had something to write.”

I put my hand on your shoulder, “Finally, thank you, nameless reader. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read my sex and fart jokes on top of my scathing criticisms of society. I hope I made you smile.” 

Forcefully, I grab your shoulder and escort you out of my apartment. You stumble out my front door. You turn to face me one last time and catch me waving goodbye before the door is slammed in your face. This is where I leave you, reader.
A great song from a classic movie fades in and puts a bow on this last, silly bit, “Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen / Thank you for all the joy and pain…”