Humanities Department Set for Record High Graduation Class for Fall
Florida State University surpasses yet another lofty goal with this year's graduating class. This world-class institution provides quality results yet again, a reminder of the University’s ever-increasing academic capabilities. According to one of the Liberal arts and sciences advisors’ daughters’ roommates' posts on her Instagram story, another student is deciding to graduate with a Humanities major for the Fall 2022 semester. This brings the total count of Humanities department graduates for this semester up to 6, a record number, toppling the previous year's total of 5 graduates. The Humanities department is due much credit for their tireless work in seeing these 6 brave and heroic students graduate. To do this, Florida State University President Michard McDonald has decided this week to honor their distinguished efforts by leaving them a shiny gold star sticker on their office doors.
Speaking on their decision to graduate this semester, the Senior, who decided to stay anonymous (out of embarrassment), had this to say, “Yeah, I mean I guess it was just time for me to graduate.” When asked about any exciting future plans in their field, they responded with “Uhhhh…Ahhh… that’s kind of a loaded question. I really love history, philosophy, and the Classics. But I also read this great article the other day on why we shouldn’t really assume that everyone has everything figured out.”Their advisor, however, had other choice words to say: “I keep telling these students that they can’t just read an article or scroll through TokTik and decide they’re just going to wing it. Life just doesn’t work out that way. We need more History teachers.”
With soaring graduation rates across most departments, mounting pressure to fulfill students' ever-growing needs has been bubbling. According to another Humanities student (who also wished to remain anonymous) the school’s response has been lackluster at best, “I really only did this because they promised me cookies and milk. Ho ho ho, and guess what? The William Johnston building has no chimneys. And my sled doesn’t fit in the white parking spaces. They will get coal this year.” When we asked this student about his postgraduate Humanities plans, they simply responded: “That's a very loaded question. I love the Classics. You get coal.” When asked the apparently daunting follow-up question of what specific ‘Classics’ they jumped out the window.
Each of the six graduates in the Humanities department was contacted, but we were only able to get a response from the previous two. The other four “didn’t want to out themselves as Humanities majors.” Although students' rising anxieties over post-graduation prospects have admittedly been a problem, some advisors, like Barbara Geisler, still remain hopeful.
“Boys will be boys. Oh, we’re not supposed to say that anymore? ...You get what I mean, though. They’ll figure it out eventually. The world can seem like a scary place. That's probably why they’re so obsessed with the Classics. Now let me finish reading this chapter of Livy.” Despite the calamity over graduation concerns, one thing will always remain: The Classics. Administrators have high hopes that the graduation rate will continue to soar over the coming years, citing the younger generations hiking interest in studying humanity’s past, “to see where we f**ked up.”