Op-ed: My Favorite Places to Park on Campus
This one is for all the freshmen who are still new to campus. I hope you know that you are the reason why the parking situation sucks ass! I was a freshman once: constantly hungover, annoying, clueless, eating in the Den, and stressed about parking. So I’m going to let you in on a little secret to make your life easier. Here are my favorite parking spots that no one knows about that you are 100% guaranteed to find parking at…
Traditions Garage
I can always find parking here– it is arguably the easiest garage to park in. It’s basically empty during Sylly Week! Literally, ask anyone (don’t). Truly a life-saver when my class starts in 5 minutes. Helpful hint: the faster you drive around the corner, the more likely you are to find a spot. It’s been scientifically proven, by someone.
The CVS Parking Lot
They definitely do not tow– ever.
Westcott Fountain
No, not the open lot across from it; right in front of the fountain! There is plenty of room because anyone walking to class can easily maneuver around your car. Especially those scooters going 33 mph. After all, you are the main character. Who cares if you accidentally hit a student (or a few) while trying to get to class? For every kid you hit, they will actually award you 10 dining dollars.
The Kappa Delta Lot
As long as you buy a KD bumper sticker on Etsy, the lot security won’t think twice about running your plate. (Disclaimer: This only works if you own a BMW, Jeep, Mercedes, or any other luxury vehicle. Do not attempt with your busted Honda Civic).
Any Red or Yellow Space
For some reason, these are always available!
Parking Lots with the Yellow Gate Closed
Just drive straight through that motherfucker and then toss the broken gate arm in the bushes. Why should drunk people get to have all the fun? But remember: always wear gloves so they won’t find your fingerprints on it. The gates are so flimsy that they will do minimal damage to your car anyway. This solution works great if the front of your car is already fucked up because they can’t prove it was you! And don’t pretend the front of your car isn’t messed up, we know you run over at least three curbs a day, girl boss.
FAQs
Someone took the spot I wanted even though they had their blinker on first, what do I do?
The only way to settle this is by stepping out of your vehicle and fist-fighting them. Honking and shouting profanities can also be effective too. Use any means necessary to get the spot that was rightfully yours. (This will not keep you up at night years later, and people will not label you as “unstable”).
I got a parking ticket, now what?
First of all, the parking police can suck my left nut. And my right one. And maybe my middle one if they’re lucky. Anyways, I have personally never been ticketed more than 5 times so that’s only like $150 in fees. If you have rich parents just tell them it’s the cost of a textbook or something. Or simply don’t pay it! Out of sight out of mind right? I mean it’s not like they can keep you from graduating or anything.
If you’re having trouble parking, you just need to be more creative. Already running late to class? Just pull up on any curb! Can’t find any overnight parking spaces? Anything can be an overnight parking space if you just simply park there! Be sure to share this with all of your freshmen friends so that no one has to struggle with parking anymore. You’re welcome.