The Types of Parents You’ll See On Parents Weekend
With parents' weekend fast approaching, the streets of College Town t are ripe for the taking by freshmen’s overbearing mothers in just a few days. Students haven't been this stressed since Honorlock was created in 2014. Over the weekend, liquor bottle graveyards will be shoved deep into closets, while “Tax This Dick” and “Kim Jong Un” flags will be folded and neatly put away until Monday morning. With roommate fights starting over cleaning duties and whose responsibility it is to hide the bong, parents will pack up their dusty minivans for the most exciting weekend since they were in college (they’ll be letting you know that a lot). In order to survive the plethora of DILFS to MILFS, let’s take a moment to examine the parents you’ll be running into. The following is informational, educational, and a warning.
Let’s start with the most tame and everyone's favorite…
The Stoner Mom. The stoner mom is often found on their child's balcony alone. Sure, sometimes the kids smoke with their parents and that’s fine but just a little weird. Usually the kids just ruminate in their room getting flashbacks from her cigarette addiction days. At least she’s more chill now. The stench wafting in is more herbal than dry this time. Also spotted at an average frat party, dressed like a 2016 influencer at Coachella, attempting to blow O’s for the first time(The shit we smoke today is way stronger apparently). Often accompanied by dry coughs and lifeless eyes. Although we instinctively judge these parents, they are the most respectful, and pleasant of all the FSU parents.
Moving on, it’s…
The Overly Sweaty Dad. The five o'clock shadow is permanently present; however, by the end of the night, it has taken form to look like a patchier Ryan Gosling beard. Typically found in the Pot’s Beer Garden wearing camo shorts, flip flops, and a graphic tee of an early 90’s band you maybe know five songs from,. If you are found unfortunately twinning with the man, a conversation about trivia is sure to ensue, ending with him calling you a fake fan. Before even entering the club, their too-tight shirts are drenched in the back and arm-pit area. Seen dancing too close to some freshman girl, barely remaining at a respectful distance.
An all-time favorite…
The Cougar Mama. 100% of the time in teeny tiny shorts, and an overly small crop top. Bonus points for a whale-tail thong and a hot pink visible bra. This mother constantly has a social seltzer in her hand and pretends to be more drunk than she actually is. The cougar moms can be found at every frat on and off campus all at once, somehow seeming to teleport between them all. Often seen chirping at frat boys with “perky butts” and following around others that look a little too much like their son. By the end of the night, look for this archetype at Pots clinging onto some uninterested student athlete, or settling for a shorter guy who is “just happy to be here” while his own parents sleep soundly in Hotel Indigo. To easily spot the cougar mother, look for thick-rimmed sunglasses and a bedazzled Juul.
Next up..
Parents on the Brink of Divorce. If dorm move-in didn't break up your parents, parent's weekend surely will. With the already evident tension, any small incident might be the end of your parents 25 year long marriage. All it takes is dad’s slight glance back at the co-ed he passed on the street, and mom’s hand on a frat boy’s naked chest, opening Pandora's box of deep-rooted issues and tension. If you see arguing 50-year-olds outside of the Strip, 80/20 shot it’s actually parents and not members of the ever-growing Tallahassee homeless population. If you see an adult arguing with a phone pole, those are most likely not FSU parents. I digress.
Who could forget…
The Divorced Dad. In this case, that tension finally broke and dad has a new lease on life at the ripe age of 55! Expect a cougar mom but a lot creepier, mostly because of the 12 Miller Lites he’s had. Divorced dad music is a little too real for many, and in this case it will echo through many crevices and dive bars a little louder this weekend. Freshmen women who are bleach blonde please be careful, because I guarantee dad is looking to fit in with the boys and relive doing coke when he was 19.
Moving to…
The Creep. This goes without saying, you'll know one when you see it. Don’t be fooled by their attempts to camouflage themselves as the overly sweaty dad, they are much worse. Think: quiet or oddly loud, close proximity, bad breath, Simpsons shirt, Coors light. This archetype transcends the gender binary because even moms can make a racist tinged comment to the waitress at Gordo’s when she tries to say “empanada.” Every Gen X parent at parent's weekend has a tiny bit of this archetype at heart.
Lastly…
The Botched Mom. Often, but not exclusively, a Boca mom. This parent brings their small, white, 80-year-old chihuahua to every function. When eating dinner, please look away because she’s gonna be sharing spoons with her furry friend. They have developed a nasty case of pillow face from migrating filler, and their tits sit so high they’re covering face lift scars. If you think you see Donatella Versace… it’s just Sandra from Boca. The black Range Rover with custom family bumper stickers is your sign that you should just stay in tonight.
Stay safe everyone.