Top 69 Ways to Die at the North Florida Fair
It’s that time of year again, folks! The North Florida Fair has finally dusted off its dirty hand rails and rusty deep fryers to distract you from the cold adult reality that has darkened the broken remains of youthful spirit. Thrilling rides, good eats and trodden grass turned a disgusting brown color will be welcoming fairgoers this evening for its opening night. In honor of this grand, albeit sticky, occasion, we’ve compiled a list of the top fatal ways to bypass deep fried Oreos and the company of smelly strangers. Go at your own risk!
- Kicked by world’s smallest horse
- Giant mallet attack
- Petting zoo pets back
- Falling into cotton candy machine
- Bear you won is an actual bear
- Choking on a corn dog
- Choking simultaneously on two corn dogs
- Walking into funhouse glass
- Projectile vomit
- Flying shoe
- Rogue baseball from a game booth
- Strangled by the headless lady, who is alive and human
- Drowned in dunk tank
- Inhaling powdered sugar
- Stabbed while getting on the ferris wheel
- Stabbed while riding the ferris wheel
- Stabbed while getting off the ferris wheel
- Mystery meat on a stick
- Eating a little too much cotton candy
- Cat scratch fever
- Hiccups
- Pollen
- Turf dispute with the Northeast Florida Fair
- The Bush Administration
- Starvation on stalled Pharaoh
- Stampede on carousel
- You fly out of one of those flying swings
- One of those flying swings comes loose and hits you
- One of those flying swings lands nearby and you trip over it a few minutes later
- Old West train robbers attack the roller coaster
- Cannibalism
- Seeing a clown
- Being touched by a clown
- Child uprising (Children of the Popcorn™)
- Animatronic uprising
- Someone steps on your toes too hard
- Rick Scott shows up
- The bad guy from “The Princess and the Frog” curses you for bumping into him
- “28 Days Later” zombies
- “The Walking Dead” zombies
- The bully from “IT” finds you
- The clown from “IT” finds you
- Alexander Skarsgard’s character from “Big Little Lies” finds you
- You fall asleep on a bench and lucid dream your own death
- Anthropomorphic stuffed animals
- Goldfish are actually sharks
- Goldfishnado
- Paper cut
- That BB gun game
- The phrase “Step right up”
- The plot of Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds”
- A boys’ choir
- The North Florida Gun Show comes early
- Your parents’ public disapproval
- The price of admission
- Rogue spittle from a carnival barker
- Wolves
- Asteroid
- Teacups ride with someone you’re not intimately involved with
- Attack by North Korea
- Attack by North Carolina
- Starship 2000 mistaken by aliens as enemy craft
- Seeing your high school ex with your other high school ex
- “War of the Worlds”
- Entering the house of mirrors and seeing your sweaty reflection from multiple angles
- Playing cornhole (the southern man’s chess)
- You swallow a bug and think it’s funny at first but three days later a swarm of flies erupts from your chest like the movie “Alien”
- Checking Blackboard in line for the Zipper and seeing you failed your Orgo test
- Nice