Ghost of Talloween’s Past Haunts Those That Dare Climb the Recess Stairs This Saturday

On this particularly apocalyptic Hallows Eve, the spirits of past whores that would die first in a horror movie will be guarding the flight to the infamous Recess. Those that climb the stairs in the name of Talloween and disgrace the CDC guidelines face eternal damnation, according to inside sources. Halloween is usually a spicy, sexy time in our humble little college town, but many hope that The 32304 will not become the COVID-19 epicenter of the world following the haunted holiday.

“It’s like, super rare that Halloween falls on a Saturday; it’s basically the same thing as a full moon, or Thanksgiving on a Thursday,” says the late Brinley O’Reilly, who passed in 2016 from drowning during a funneling mishap in a Harley Quinn costume. “It’s so dangerous for everyone to party. I can’t even tell you how packed it is in this perpetual purgatory. I don’t think we’ll be able to handle this COVID thing everyone keeps talking about. I mean there’s like, no way that Hillary, the President, would let it get this out of hand. I guess I’m just going to have to pick up her slack and haunt some bitches after I fuck some guy in a Harambe costume.”

Rusty Miller, a spirit from 1978 who was killed from his own poor choice of dressing in a distasteful Ted Bundy costume (and was thrown off of the Chi Omega house on Halloween night) provided his own comment. “Personally, I think everybody kinda overreacted; it was dark humor, don’t take it out on my undead soul if you don’t get it. Just like I think this Corona thing is a bit of an overreaction but hey, who am I to tell Lucifer how a bunch of college students should be punished.” Miller was cornered at the freshly built Bullwinkle’s by a team of sorority girls dressed like Charlie’s Angels and has been reliving that night over and over for eternity. “It’s cool to see that ignorance doesn’t age,” he said.

While it’s destined for this weekend to result in an immense spike in COVID cases, hopefully the spirits of Talloween’s past will be able to guard the club entrances before this virus takes the whole university prisoner. These ghosts have been living in purgatory since their harrowing deaths, anxiously waiting for souls to cross the pool and haunt them for eternity. So for your own sake, keep the slutty Joe Exotic costume within the safety of your bedroom and camera roll. That’s so Season 1 anyways.