Local Man With Brown Carhartt Jacket Wants To Take Things Slow this Time
The jungles of FSU dating are vast: finance bros that called pregnancy scares failed investments to indie gaslighters who listen to Fleetwood Mac during intercourse to fulfill their unresolved mommy kinks. With all these men seeking sneaky links, women have become used to the routine of pregaming before dates and having intercourse in queen beds with one pillow and a single surviving sheet. But nowadays, it’s reported that men in brown Carhartt jackets will ask, “to get to know you first.” This rare specimen of the male disease wants to feel the depths of women’s minds before the depths of their gorilla grip coochies. Curious women agree to take things slow…after hanging out with the boy for only a week women start to know the year in which the guy’s parents divorced, the name of his “crazy” freshman high-school ex, and the lyrics to his favorite Juice WRLD song...without any sexy time involved.
“I’m not really looking for a relationship right now, but I think the woman I’ve been talking to is pretty cool,” said Keith Somners as he adjusted his brown Carhartt collar in the Onyx parking lot, before locking his 2002 Saturn s-series. “We’ve been hanging out for eight months, but I don’t know if I’m ready for her to be my girlfriend,” he continued as he finished out one of his disposable Puff Bars and made a quick adjustment to his beanie. “In the past, I’ve suffered through the plague of promiscuity, but I want to do things differently this time. I’ve tried to be vulnerable and paint my nails but a lot of these girls just can’t break through my complicated yet humble shell.”
“I’ve been dating Keith for almost the length of a fully developed fetus, but he still doesn’t want to be official or do anything physical,” said freshman Kirsten Reyno as she packaged up her Suwanee dinner for Keith. “I like a guy with a sensitive side, but that’s the only side. I get exhausted exploring all of his ‘layers’ - and I’m not talking about his hoodie/carhartt/graphic tee mix. I’m thinking of going full Gone Girl on this man, but who has the time when Pots happy hour starts at 5 PM? Sometimes I have the feminine urge to run away to the European countryside with him when he shares his ‘Intro to Poetry’ sonnets...agh, he’s just so frustrating and intoxicating all at the same time. It’s like having a son, but not in a weird way.”
Whatever your experience with Carhartt men, it might be better to cut ties with the breed altogether. Methods to break away from men like Keith include calling his bald idol Joe Rogan a shaved ball sack, asking what the starting salaries for a philosophy degree are, or stripping the lad of his beloved Carhartt jacket altogether. Just remember, queens, you can always try having an engineering TA for a boyfriend. At least they can eventually afford that European countryside cottage you always dreamed of. Whatever your poison, just know you’ll always be settling when dating a man in Tallahassee.