Grocery Store Employees To Be Used as Traffic Cones at Florida Vaccination Sites

With Florida’s recent vaccine eligibility opening for many residents, the question still remains why the state continued to not acknowledge the many essential workers still awaiting vaccination. However, this past Monday, Florida Governor Ron Desantis announced the state’s new plan for grocery store employees: they will be used as traffic cones at all vaccination sites. In exchange for their continuous, essential work, these produce servants will finally be eligible for the sweet, sweet vaccine. 

“Now that the vaccine is open to most people, the state has been running out of traffic cones to use, so they turned to the next best option, which I guess is teenage cashiers working for 9 dollars an hour,” said Tallahassee Publix employee Leah Martin. “It all happened so suddenly. One day I was restocking shelves, then the next I was getting bumped by lifted trucks while a guy dressed in camo yelled at me to stand still. We had to keep our arms up to keep the appearance of traffic cones. For the aesthetic.”  With Florida’s suspicious vaccination partnership with Publix, using the already overworked employees for their own gain was clearly a no brainer.

“I keep telling myself that it's better late than never,” said local grocery store employee Brenda Towers during her CVS parking lot shift. “I’ve been waiting a whole year to finally work in peace again. If all I have to do is stand still in a bright orange jumpsuit for six hours a day in order to get that mRNA juice shoved in my arm, I’ll do it.” Towers, who had already dodged three Nissan Altimas that day, still remained hopeful for the future. “I can’t keep looking like I’m doing some twisted community service hours to fulfil my parole. Once I get my second dose, I’m out of here. I’m packing a suitcase and fleeing to some Trader Joe’s in Southern California. Kiss those wack pub subs goodbye.” 

While both Martin and Towers’ age group is eligible for vaccination in Florida, their grocery store status has unsurprisingly restricted them from the vaccine rather than helped them. This bizarre exchange is only another testament to the state’s view on the green-vested workers. Hopefully, as more people like Towers speak up, new changes will be made, such as increasing benefits to minimum wage employers, prioritizing safe working conditions, or maybe just dismantling the entire state once and for all. Maybe then it could truly be where shopping is a pleasure.