Governor’s Square Claire’s To Begin Offering Open Heart Surgery

Many are getting to the point in the semester where hearts begin to race, blood pressure begins to rise, and anxiety is completely unavoidable, even when all of your work is finished. Relaxation is a luxury many cannot afford at this point, especially when you have to solicit extra Pfizer doses from every CVS in town right before they close. These stressors take a toll on your heart, and eventually, your most vital organ might require some medical attention beyond your therapist telling you to “take a deep breath.” Fortunately for you, our dilapidated local mall’s favorite store is offering an exciting new procedure that will alleviate any buildup in your ventricles. 

“My blood pressure was off the charts,” said FSU third-year senior Alex Walker. “I honestly have no idea why. I don’t really do that much. Between my 15-credit hour course load, my internship, my part-time job, and my three registered student organizations, I have a ton of free time to avoid having full meals and take Adderall that wasn’t prescribed to me. For some reason, though, my heart has been acting up. I’m about to go in for my surgery right now, but I made sure I had my usual balanced breakfast before I came in: a large Dunkin’ cold brew and ten hits of my Watermelon Ice Puff Plus.”

“I didn’t go to medical school,” admitted “Dr.” Casey Daniels of Claire’s Store #3276. “I started working here about two months ago, but I was organizing JoJo Siwa bows before they introduced this whole ‘heart surgery’ thing. I guess Tallahassee Memorial was so overrun with COVID patients that they couldn’t do any more procedures. We usually use a sterilized earring back to make the first incision, and then we actually get to the heart by using those giant $8 glitter eyeshadow palettes as makeshift clamps. Getting stitched up after the surgery is pretty painless, too. A cubic zirconia pendant is used to suture the wound, and you even get to leave with a complimentary Squishmallow! We only have the cheetah with the blue spots left, though.”

If you’re feeling even more stressed than usual this semester, it might be time to see a professional. No, not a therapist. A Claire’s store associate who will safely guide you to the piercing chair to conduct your coronary artery bypass surgery. It might seem extreme, but you have been buying a few too many Airbars lately. It could be time to make sure everything’s still pumping in there.