Alligator Point Nominated As Most Frequented Location For Girls Who “Just Need A Break”

Well, it’s March again. Since no one quite knows how to get back that blissfully unaware feeling of hopelessness that came alongside March 2020, many are turning to other alternatives to give themselves a “break” from a life polluted by a global pandemic, judgmental Starbucks baristas, and stupid partygoers. One of these alternatives is going to Alligator Point, which is only an hour of driving for about 20 minutes of taking photos and pretending you like getting sand in your Air Force 1’s. For those who need a break from the real world for an afternoon, visiting Alligator Point could be the ultimate relaxation destination. 

“I just really needed to connect with nature,” said Joyce Green, treasurer of the FSU hiking club. “My internship is eight hours a week so it’s like I have no time for the rest of the world anymore. Alligator Point is the only place where I feel like I can really be me, you know? Sometimes you just need to step back and remember the things that are really important, like taking your light-up hula hoop and some Jarritos to the beach and making your friends take a video of you to post on the Gram. When I’m at Alligator Point the rest of the world, meaning my overdue Intro to English Studies paper, really seems to just melt away.”

“The real pandemic is the influx of young women coming here,” lamented Panacea sheriff Jeff Hummer. “They are constantly leaving behind empty Sun Bum bottles and expired Boohoo bikini coupons. Sometimes, I walk onto the beach for my daily stroll and see several young women just laying in the sand, crying. It’s really depressing and not the kind of atmosphere I like people to experience when they come to Alligator Point. On top of all of that, everyone who comes here acts like they’ve found some secret spot that no one else knows about. When you walk by groups of girls, all you can hear is, ‘don’t let the normies find out about this one,’ or ‘don’t post that on TikTok, this needs to be our secret.’”

While Alligator Point is certainly removed from Tallahassee, time has proven that it is neither relaxing nor unique. So, please, stop walking on the dunes, and stop posting about your beach picnic consisting of just strawberries and lemonade in a glass jar on your Instagram story. The gulls and your followers will thank you.