Girl Who Bought a Keurig Wants To Let You Know Why She’s Ready To Work at Calvin’s

We all picked up new tips and tricks over quarantine. TikTok had us turning into chefs, carpenters, and baristas. The long months inside gave us ample time to perfect a new skill. However, while some people were getting ripped or hung back up on their high school ex, Jessica Cole got a caffeine addiction. Also known as every loud music major’s favorite coffee shop, Calvin’s recently announced that they’re looking for new people to make Tallahassee’s worst cup of coffee, the competition for the main character job has been cutthroat. 

“The supremacy I felt making my first whipped coffee set a fire in me. I had to learn how to make more. So, I used $80 from my stimmy to buy a Keurig. It doesn’t take just anyone to do it, there’s a science behind it. AND an art. You have to angle the pod perfectly in there and measure out your water by the drop. Don’t even get me started on perfecting the creamer ratio. My personal favorite is the International Delight White Chocolate Macadamia. I mean, how much more difficult can the big silver machine they have at Calvin’s be? I know what I’m doing.” 

After her training, we spoke with traumatized Calvin’s team member, Asher Moon. “My arm is still burning from where she scalded me with hot water. I have never seen someone put 5 scoops of coffee for one cup of water. Is she trying to kill the FSU comedy scene? Hiring her as an employee would ruin our reputation. Do you think we wear these nose rings so people think we don’t know what we’re doing? Having her here would be destructive to my pulling game. We know how our customers like their chai tea lattes. Plus, her shoes had no platform to them; regular white converse aren’t going to cut it.” He adjusted his Carhartt beanie and continued, “In short, absolutely not...She can continue to sabotage our planet with her revolting pods.” 

We can all learn a little something from Jessica’s short-lived barista career. Just because you picked up a new hobby over quar, does not mean you can turn it into a career. A DIY does not mean you should apply at Home Depot and one hookup with your hometown ex does not mean they are your soulmate. This is your sign to let your lockdown hobbies stay just hobbies.