Op-Ed: The Four Points Is Ugly and It Is Ruining My Life

We all probably knew Tallahassee wasn’t going to make it on Travel.com’s “Top Ten Prettiest Capitals that Don’t Deserve to be Capitals,” but it’s far from an ugly place. The parks are pretty, and the red-brick architecture is classic. Our capitol building (which I affectionately refer to as the “Tallahassee Stiffy”) is actually a magnificent set of genitalia. Comprised of the Old Capitol’s antebellum-era testicles and the New Capitol’s brutalist-style phallus, this building shows us just how interesting Tallahassee architecture could be. Could.

Now let me direct your attention to the Four Points Hotel by Marriott, located on W. Tennessee St. and across from the Old City Cemetery. It is an 18-sided polygon that would make any reasonable adult sick to their stomach. This building cannot be real, it legitimately looks like a PlayStation 2 era render dimensionally-merged into real life. Half of its windows are blue, as if it is trying to blend in with the sky to escape its shame. But, get this, only half the windows are blue because this building can’t even do shame right! Everywhere I walk I can see just a little of that cursed monolith. It imposes itself upon our great capitol, an eldritch horror, inescapable and brutal.

One day I’d love to sit down with the architect behind this abomination and ask them about their creative process. Are they ugly and this is a sort of introspective piece? Do they just have an artistic fascination with geometric circumcision? Most of all though, I’d just like to ask them…why?

This building is a problem. I’m not sure what the solution is, but I’m sure we need one. Not only because it’s a legitimate eyesore, but more importantly, because it ruins MY day. Maybe someone could tell the governor it’s housing communists and it’ll finally be taken care of. Or we could tell SAE that Four Points management is the one calling them “a fruiternity” on YikYak and they’ll assault the building. What ever will get that monstrosity out of my sight, I propose a remodel.

Assuming the architect is fascinated with polygonal cocks, they could have actually committed and done a sort of modern tribute to the capitol:

They could also take it to Urban Outfitters and give it a makeover:

Finally, if remodeling is out of the question, this is always an option: 

It is abundantly clear that the Four Points cannot remain as it is. The hotel is weighing on our population’s mental well-being. Marriott, get your shit together.