So Are We All Just Going to Pretend That Kodak Black Didn’t Almost Get Murdered Last Time He Was in Tallahassee?

Kodak Black, famous for assaulting a teenage girl in 2016, will be making his triumphant return to Tallahassee after not one, but two near-death experiences in April of 2021. Shortly after his show in April, Kodak and his entourage were involved in an unsolved shooting in Tallahassee. Two days later, one of Kodak’s security guards was shot and injured in the parking lot of the McDonald’s on Pensacola Street. (While bad, it’s definitely not the worst event that has occurred there.) Despite these events, both Kodak and Baja’s have said “fuck it” and will host a concert on Friday, January 28th at Baja’s Beachclub – confusingly named despite the lack of sand, water, or any source of natural light. Which begs the question: are we all just going to pretend that Kodak Black didn’t almost get murdered last time he was in Tallahassee?

We spoke with Chad McDavidson, janitor and concert promoter at Baja’s. “Yeah, we don’t have security, bag checks, metal detectors, or really anything,” McDavidson said nursing his cocaine-induced nosebleed. “We will be checking ID’s though, and if I see a single freshman trying to scrub a sharpie “X” off their hand to drink a Bud Light I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. We’re less worried about safety and way more concerned with the vibe. Drunk freshmen are not the vibe, even if they’re the only ones willing to put their life on the line for a shitty rendition of ‘Feelin Peachy’. But Kodak singing that one song he got famous for back when me and all of my friends were peaking in high school? Now that’s sick.” 

Sophomore Brian Smith gave his two cents on the event, saying, “I can’t decide who is crazier; Kodak Black for returning to Tallahassee, or the thousands of people that will be in attendance. I heard it was five thousand dollars for a table. That’s ridiculous. I bought two.” Smith adjusted his yellow Pit Vipers and sniffled aggressively. “My momma also told me to make good decisions and boy did I make one, in reference to the snapchat contact on his phone listed ‘J Dubz $$’. I’m definitely getting tunnel vision there--it’s gonna be a movie. I can’t wait.” 

With the precedent of last April’s events preceding the event, the Eggplant encourages everyone to be safe and aware if they choose to attend the concert. But then again, it’s Tallahassee. Your life is on the line no matter what $5 cover you pay.