Bajas To Host Valentine’s Day Slow Dance

Here it is, another article reminding you that the day of love is fast approaching with a vengeance, and you can’t escape it no matter how hard you scroll through your feed. What are your plans? Do you even have plans? Feeling the cold sweat and clammy hands yet? Afraid your longstanding insecurities will forever prevent you from holding onto a lasting relationship? Terrified that you’ll never be able to truly love anyone since you don’t even love yourself? 

As a satirical student-run news organization we sure as hell can’t help you with any of that or any of your daddy issues. But if you’re fresh out of ideas planning the perfect day with your sweetie, Bajas will be throwing ass in the name of love this Valentine’s Day. That’s right, gather up all four (or more?) of you and your honey’s smackable booty cheeks for a sensual shakin’. In a bizarre twist of events, Tallahassee’s dampest nightclub is hosting what they are calling, “an evening of slow dances, aching hearts, and romance.” Because there’s no better place to confess your feelings to someone when you can barely see their face and don’t have to hear their response. Need a quick escape? Vanish in the throbbing masses instantly never to see them again. 

Lights will be reportedly dimmed even lower to set the mood, but once you find the bar be sure to treat yourself to a Baja’s VDay special (a vodka sprite with heart confetti and half a roofie thrown in) for $15. Afterward, you and your sweet piece of ass can stumble your way to the dance floor to be serenaded with an obscure DJ’s steamy ballads of Drake, Taylor Swift remixes, Olivia Rodrigo and more Drake. Slow dancing, or ‘slow grinding’, is encouraged and at the end of the evening a ‘Hearts for Hickeys’ competition will occur to see which couple can chew on their sweetheart’s throat the longest. Looking to spice things up? Instead of a drab bouquet of roses, set your special someone’s heart aflame with one of those firework champagne bottles that terrify everyone within twenty feet. 

“Sometimes I wish when a guy asked me to dance, we would have a good time twirling each other around and sharing decent eye contact rather than just grinding our crotch and ass together over and over in a shitty pace to the beat,” junior Lexi Monroe stated, dead in the eyes as she ceremoniously rocked her boppin’ butt against her boyfriend, Kyle, of four years. “I know that’s really old-fashioned, but my calves hurt like a bitch and I wouldn’t mind if someone swept me off my feet right about now. How about it, Kyle?” Kyle was, in fact, foaming at the mouth and tripping balls unable to comment. Go wild, you lustful lovebirds.