Bones and All, Just…Horny and Hungry?
Bones and All is the newest Luca Guadagnino film with a 3.9 out of 5-star rating on Letterbox (yes, we reviewed it). Starring new it girl of my the month, Taylor Russell, and another fuck boy performance from Timothée Chalamet himself. This film checks all the boxes: romance, coming of age, adventure, the dread of existence that our bodies and minds tag team into this horrid feeling that I am a bad person at my core but will probably live until I’m 60 so I have to get used to it, daddy issues, gore, ‘Is this gay?’, and mommy issues (what would a 2022 alternative film be without this though?)! This film is unique in how it touches on so many genres, but also how it has a trailer that finally doesn’t give away the whole plot of the movie! But this can be a double-edged sword in itself.
An older woman, Heidi Clock (the L is silent, as she kept reminding us) a Tallahassee resident and President McCullough’s old babysitter, arranged to take her fellow book club to see the film. “Yes, the…imagery of Call me By Your Name, was surprising, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy it. So when I heard the second one was finally out, I was thrilled! I have a gay grandson, and maybe son-in-law, so I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.” Clock said she and her ‘posse’ were so excited, all eleven agreeing to go in on a large popcorn together, but what they saw was not what they paid for. NO SPOILERS, of course, but Clock was not amused. “We had to leave within the first ten minutes, oh my gosh– I don’t even know what to say, except that that was NO peach scene.” She did say one member of the eleven stayed behind, and that was Heidi Hlock (the L is also silent here), who reviewed it with a, “I think I’m bisexual.” Hlock didn’t know if she wanted the cock or not.
But don’t avoid this horny arouse-inducing titillating artistic movie just because Ms. Clock (silent L) didn’t get what she was hoping for. Consider the review of the four-year member of Club Down Under, who opted to stay anonymous. James Lee Carter the fourth said, “I could go all in on the idea that the director pulled from his own art: the romance of Call Me By Your Name, and real life from that art: his lead actor being a carnivore, making this love child. But I won’t do that, because it kind of haunts me. This is anonymous, right?” James pirated the movie in his (TW: Ragans Hall) dorm on a Friday night but had to go see it in theaters the next night for ‘research purposes' as well. “I went in for the gore, I came out with…I’m not too sure yet. Look, I’m a proud man who isn’t afraid to call other men pretty, but these two leads…they did something to me.” Shortly after the interview, The Club Down Under member got a notification of his next screening tonight. The Eggplant decided against further questioning.
While all this is entertaining, sure, you can’t solely trust an out-of-touch hag who steals from theaters and an older woman, can you? The editors of this article are just relieved there were no spoilers for this alternative kid’s wet dream of a movie!
Don’t trust Sully.