Guthrie’s Reportedly Sabotaging Raising Canes Construction
No other restaurant in the entire city of Tallahassee has a stronger grip on college students than Guthrie’s. The late hours and delicious greasy food make it all the more appealing for students after a long night out, or for those unfortunate souls who just got off a closing shift and want nothing more than to be curled up at home with a delicious gut box. And how can we forget the late-night, twisting, turning, crash-begging lines following any football game? It is a fast-food chicken restaurant, although “fast” is not the right word to describe the experience in any regard. “These motherfuckers will wait in a mile-long line down Tennessee street just for some chicken,” says one disgruntled night-shift employee. Yes, and they will do it again.
This problem soon may be resolved with the long-anticipated Raising Canes coming to Tally. This chicken-chain competitor to Guthries is set to open in 2023, but construction on this project keeps getting mysteriously delayed. “Oh it’s no mystery,” responds CEO Ray Zing Cane, “That asshole Gordon Guthrie keeps stealing the construction materials.” When questioned for proof of this serious allegation, Cane quickly displayed the security camera footage over the span of months depicting an old man with Guthrie’s iconic “G” logo on his shirt looting the job site. “He’s probably scared we will steal all his business– GUTHRIE'S DON’T WANT THE SMOKE!” Cane shouted over his laptop, which appeared to be playing a 10-hour loop of security footage on one side of the page and a half-typed email to his legal team on the other.
However, there are two sides to every story. The Eggplant chasers tracked down Guthrie and showed him the security footage taken from Cane without his permission. “Yeah, that’s me. But he had it coming,” responds Guthrie from his inconspicuous white van. When questioned if his motives had anything to do with the fear of losing business, Guthrie quickly stated, “Oh I’m not afraid of competition– I’ve tried his dry-ass chicken and bland sauce; it’s nothing to write home about. No, he started this war by drilling potholes into my parking lot. He also stole the sensor in my drive-thru, that son of a bitch.” Honestly, that explains a lot. Apparently, no amount of re-paving can deter Cane, so Guthrie took matters into his own hands by sabotaging the construction site.
Could this all be a publicity stunt and the chicken moguls are actually friends? Whatever the case may be, shorter lines at Guthrie’s would be a blessing for his loyal fan base who consume his addicting sauce by the gallons. No seriously, the stuff is like crack. Raising Canes may have to put actual crack in their sauce in order to take all of Guthrie's clientele. But until then, the mile-long lines will continue to cause accidents on Tennessee Street as students flock to the o.g. chicken shop like rats to a sewer.