Latex Lawman Out On the Town; Ron Desantis Spotted Taking UF Administration on a Walk in Designer Gimp Suit

Ron DeSantis was photographed by the Daily Mail walking his dogs this week while donning a latex bodysuit. Yes, you heard that right– Ron DeSantis can actually walk around despite his head being so far up his ass. The governor was seen strutting through the University of Florida campus showing off a piece from Tori Birch’s “Don’t Say Gay - Or Else,” collection. He further solidified his position as the center of the conservative male gaze by donning a pair of limited edition carbon fiber Oakley sunglasses. The gimpy governor is in Gainesville this week to discuss his plans to vote for citizens directly to avoid fraud and to spend much needed time with his pets, who he doesn’t get to see too often from his office located in the Tallahassee Cock and Taters. 

The investigative Daily Mail used the opportunity to question the lawmaker and his pets. When reporters asked his pet Chief Diversity Advisor Marsha McGruff about her take on recent CRT bans, Desantis reportedly pulled on her leash and she replied with a wince, “you don't bite the hand that feeds you.” On their way out of the university, reporters witnessed DeSantis sic his dogs on two female UF Students holding hands. They reportedly tore them to actual literal bloody shreds while howling loudly. Governor DeSantis used the opportunity to post a video of the incident to twitter, captioned: “I could never support violence, but I also violently oppose Communists.” His poll numbers are expected to skyrocket. 

“DeSantis really loves his dogs,” DeSantis’ regular dog walker, Benny Bates, told The Eggplant. “He cares about them more than he cares about the state of Florida, but that’s not very hard to beat.” Bates showed us pictures of DeSantis with his beloved dogs, which included pictures of DeSantis kissing a crusty white dog on the lips, walking his dog in a stroller and his son on a leash, and lastly, a photo of DeSantis and his dog wearing matching pink tutus.

After his week in Gainesville, DeSantis will be on his way back to his office in Tallahassee to work on a new proposal to ban the word “gay” from even being uttered in the state of Florida. It is expected to be completed on the first day of Pride month, June 1st, 2022. The UF Administration is wagging their tails in excitement.