Publix on Ocala Corners to be turned into a Haunted House for Halloween 2022
Boo! Six months ahead of Halloween, Publix Super Market on Ocala Corners has announced that it will be turned into a haunted house for Talloween 2022. Also known as “The Scary One” and “The most stressful shopping experience” by both FSU students and Tallahassee natives, the Publix on Ocala Corners has decided to make everyone's nightmare even worse and turn their grocery store into the most frightening Halloween experience.
“We actually didn’t change anything,” Ocala Corners Publix Manager Joe Moma told The Eggplant. “Like, we didn’t add any decorations….the store looks exactly the same.” Instead of scare actors, they have hired people you went to high school with, including that one girl who used to give everyone in your friend group a hug but you, as well as current FSU students in Greek life, specifically those pursuing nursing. They prance around the store, giving you side eyes and passively asking, “You’re getting that? I haven’t eaten like that in years.”
“I was really scared. I thought it would be like FSU’s own Halloween Horror Nights, aside from Rogers Hall.” FSU Sophomore Candace Dickson said under an emergency blanket. Candace was one of the first few brave students to test out the new Ocala Corners haunted house. “I mean, I have nightmares about this Publix usually, but now I’m going to have even more.”
“I mean, that Publix usually stresses me out,” said FSU Senior Ben Dover, while breathing into a paper bag, “But this, this is just way too fucking scary. I couldn’t get past the first half!” The Publix on Ocala Corners haunted house starts off with you attempting to park in the Ocala Publix parking lot, simulated to be comparable to game day traffic. Some are even parallel spots. According to the Ocala Corners haunted house manager, this is where most of the participants, and we quote, “shit themselves” and have to go home. The brave few who make it past parking will then have to maneuver through the pub-sub line, which will be filled with members of Pike. Scaredies will then have to acquire several groceries from a premade list, including frightening choices like dairy milk, while their mother’s voice plays over the intercom speaker about how, “you’re not hungry, you’re just bored.”
Finally, the few who make it to the end will have to go through the singular express lane at the front of the store, which will be cashiered by someone from your high school making awkward small talk with you and trying to get you to join their team of ‘Boss Babes.’ There is no entry fee to participate, but those who complete the haunted house will be awarded a $20 gift card to the Publix at Lake Ella, if they dare go back.