Tallahassee Bans Dressing as Barbie and Ken for Halloween, Mayor Approves the Death Penalty as Punishment
If you’re in denial about how many people are going to dress up as Barbie and Ken this Halloween season, here’s your wake-up call. The amount of culturally unaware social media brain-rot zombie couples in the city of Tallahassee is like the amount of UF kids who hate FSU so much but still come to party up here. Needless to say, it’s a lot. Sororities already use their frat boyfriends as accessories, so it just makes for an easy slam-dunk costume choice. Unfortunately, there is no way to truly stop white women on Talloween, but local government and police officials have agreed that they need to take a stand where it matters most. That’s why a new law passed this week allowing Barbie’s and Ken’s to be tried as criminals with the option of lethal injection for the most egregious. If local police catch you in the most overdone costume of the year, you can live in the Barbie world forever! If you believe in an afterlife, that is.
You may be asking yourself what’s so wrong with dressing up as a character from one of the best movies of the Summer? If you asked yourself this you are a part of the problem. We all know that saving money and rewearability in costumes is important but we don’t need you to go on SHEIN and Temu to get your “I”m Kenough” hoodie. When questioned about the new legislation passing, Tallahassee’s mayor commented “Do I hate women? No. But I do hate you if you think dressing up in all pink counts as a good costume. You deserve to be punished to the fullest extent of the law.” The mayor’s costume has yet to be revealed. However comma, he hinted that it may be Five Nights at Freddy’s related. The mayor has urged his cabinet to expedite trials in order for swift justice.
Many in town believe this ban is a complete joke. Although Halloween is a time filled with tricks, this new law is not one of those (a treat for someone like me). “There’s no way they’d euthanize me and Brad right? I mean, look at how cute this skirt is!” Said Stacy, a Kappa Delta, when we asked her about her recent Spirit Halloween Barbie and Ken costume purchase. She was later arrested and is set to begin trial next week. Officials are hoping that word of the ban doesn’t make its way to the hoards of kids from across Florida coming up this weekend to mooch off of our superior party culture, in the hopes that they can be executed.
On Talloween, all we want to do is get extremely black out drunk for 5 days. Is that so much to ask? We just don’t need you and your boyfriend inevitably fighting really loudly outside of every single club or house party. Every year something like Barbie and Ken comes along, and we, single people, have to suffer. Don’t even get me started on the Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce costumes… If you wear one of those out this year may God have mercy on your souls. We don’t need any more plastic in Tallahassee, there’s plenty of people with plastic surgery just walking around normally.