Barstool FSU Food Bracket Leaves Several Local Businesses Financially Crippled Beyond Repair

Tallahassee, much like every other greasy college town, is filled with a lot of food. Just about any kind of slop you could want is going to be here, although on the outside looking in, it just seems like all we have is chicken fingers and Mexican food. Despite the doubters, many organizations believe in Tallahassee's food supremacy. Almost no other FSU-related social media (besides The Eggplant of course) has a choke hold of influence as Barstool FSU does. In the spirit of March Madness, Barstool decided to announce a bracket in the same style to determine what the best restaurant in Tallahassee is. Unfortunately, the people behind posting drunk college kid compilations have caused unforeseen, and some intentional, hardship for Tallahsee’s local restaurants that aren’t named Guthries. 

There are countless local hidden gems in Tallahassee if you ignore the mildew and flooded toilets, but recently staples of the city have begun to disappear. Enter Barstool FSU and their idea to name the best restaurant in the city. What many don’t know about the voting process they set up was the losers of the bracket are significantly harmed. How you may ask? Not only are they financially crippled from losing to a place that serves cheap beer, but insider sources have anonymously reported that every local business eliminated in the bracket gets “mysteriously” set on fire in the following weeks. “Everyone thought that they’d get good publicity by entering the bracket, but what they didn’t know was that Barstool is making people like me light their businesses on fire,” claimed an unpaid Barstool intern who wished to remain anonymous. They added, “All I wanted to do was post car accident compilations on Instagram.” They later begged me for a ride home.

Many family owned restaurants have supported the community here for years with loose fake ID policies and ridiculous mimosa deals. “Our family had a stable business for years, until we got matched up against Little Masa,” claimed the owner of Gunther’s Chicken “Fingers”, a super secret restaurant you’ve never heard of because everyone who eats there hates you and doesn’t want you to know about it. “I’m a mother to 20 kids,” she added, “Barstool ruined my business and all I got to support my family was a bunch of old Mike Norvell-themed T-shirts”. It’s been so devastating, many people barely even remember some of the first-round contenders who lost to the FSU Greek life’s favorite spots. God forbid you’re unlucky enough for the poor fate of matching up against Gordo’s. Rumor has it their Smashes make fire burn extra bright.

Next time you cast a vote for the best restaurant in Tallahassee, think twice about which chicken tender joint you choose to win. There’s already a weirdly high number of fires in the area, we don’t need more mom-and-pop shops finding out the hard way what happens when you can’t afford to pay the Barstool overlords. If you want to recommend spots to friends, maybe just gatekeep it a little harder. We don’t need Brad’s B.O stinking up the tiny Asian-fusion place.