Mike's Beer Barn Shut Down by FDA for lacking proper beer slaughter licenses

In 1956, Mike’s Beer Barn began serving go-getter alcoholics via their drive-through and has paved the way ever since. A veteran-owned business, it has remained an immovable pillar of the community. Now, the latest attempt by the federal government to oppress Tallahassee’s small businesses has taken aim at the Barn. After shutting down GVO for “health code violations,” earlier this year, Big Government has set its sights on Mike’s Beer Barn. Citing a “lack of proper beer slaughter licenses,” the federal government has sicced the FDA on the Barn. Soon, the family-owned business will be forced to shut its doors. 

“The conditions are inhumane, to say the least,” quacked FDA inspector Bernie Haselhoff. “The beer and liquor are made to share the same living spaces, and frankly, they don’t get along at all. On top of that, there is absolutely no space for them to roam and enjoy a fruitful life. If you’re going to take these poor beverages’ lives just so Gabe at Theta Chi can have a fun Tuesday afternoon, we think you should at least give the drinks a chance at a fulfilling existence first.”  Asked to expand on the requirements to be granted a proper beer slaughter license, Haselhoff explained “We use the same standards we do for any other slaughterhouse, asking just for appropriate cleanliness and decently humane treatment. Is that so much for a regulatory body to ask for?”

“It’s oppression, it’s communism, shit just introduce the draft why don’tcha? I mean we’re abandoning freedom anyways,” slurred Abigail Hempstring, the Eggplant’s favorite drunk wanderer and TPUSA ambassador. “Communism is when the government doesn’t let me do the things I want and when there isn’t stuff on shelves. I drove up to the Barn the other day because I WANTED to buy beer and guess what? The shelves were EMPTY.” Ms. Hempstring was dribbling beer on her punisher shirt by this point. If I want to finish my last beer in the drive-through and buy some more, why should the government get in the way? I’ve been doing this for years without issue and now the FDA steps in and ruins everything. These regulatory bodies (which should be abolished) are hiding behind ethics and safety codes but we know what it’s really about: ending the great American pastime of booze cruising. 

The Eggplant tried to reach Mike for comment, but all that could be heard was his body rolling in his grave. Mike’s Beer Barn is expected to sue the FDA for violations of the right to drink and drive as a means of first amendment expression. The case is expected to go favorably as the plaintiff is going to frame the FDA’s shutdown as a roundabout way of attacking traditional American values and it will be heard in the Florida supreme court. Until the case is resolved, the Barn’s current management recommends that anyone looking to get trashed on the go should stock up during their “Faded for Freedom Sale,” and keep the beer under their car seats.