Cupid Breaks Silence on Mandatory Makeout Mondays

This Valentine’s Day, (yes, it was yesterday– if you have a problem with it, you can thank the workers at FedEx for losing my vibrator in the mail) people will participate in a multitude of activities: going on dates with loved ones, awkwardly asking their roommate's girlfriend to set them up on a blind date, going to bars, or even joining the LARPer orgy (you didn’t get the invite? Yikes). However, on this day of love, people often forget one of the strongest forces behind love: Cupid. When people are single they often ask where Cupid is, but rarely does anyone stop to ask HOW Cupid is. 

We here at the Eggplant sat down with Cupid in their first public appearance since the invention of flavored condoms. When they sat down they towered over the staff at a whopping 6’7” and had no wings. “Yeah, the whole world only knows me from my baby pictures. Do you know how hard it is with everyone in the world thinking of you as a little baby? I’m a grown man dammit!” After a few minutes of assuring him that we knew he was a fully formed adult and not a child, the tantrum subsided. Lucky for us they lost their hunting license after an incident with Santa’s reindeer and no longer carry around the iconic bow & arrow. Which contrary to popular belief, actually kills its targets instead of marking them for love. 

After a few minutes of discussing the weather, Cupid noticed a Clyde’s band on a staffer's wrist and began to sob uncontrollably. “I’m sorry I just get emotional when I see how my holiday has been desecrated. I heard that they have these Mandatory Makeout Mondays which require the students to canoodle each other while a DJ blasts airhorns to early 2000s hits. They even brought in a live kiss cam. It’s like they’ve lost the meaning of Valentine’s Day!” Agreeing, we continued the interview until they circled back to the issue. “This wouldn’t have happened if they hadn’t taken prayers out of the schools. Kids are growing up as heathens and it will only get worse”.

He continued to ramble on but we were forced to stop taping as it became too heinous, even for The Eggplant (we know– THAT’S how you knew it got bad). We wish everyone a Happy Valentine's because this day is not just a day; it’s a mindset! Love is for everyone! Unless you go to Clyde’s, then Cupid says fuck you.