New Report Reveals: 16% of Deaths in Leon County Occur in Costco Parking Lot

A new report has revealed a telling statistic: 16% of all Leon County deaths occur in a quite predictable location—the Costco parking lot. Can we say we’re surprised? The lot has long been compared to a war zone, known for its reckless drivers, oblivious pedestrians, unsupervised children, weaponized shopping carts, and great prices. In this dog-eat-dog world, “survival of the fittest” seems to be the unwritten law of the land.

Take Eunice, 78, who has seen enough near-death experiences to swear off the store for good. A frequent shopper before this unsettling revelation, she believes that Costco is no place for the elderly, disabled, or children. “I’ve learned to avoid Costco for my health. I like a good deal, but it’s sure as hell not worth putting my life at stake,” she declared. “I’m not young and able-bodied like I once was. I’m not ready to be entered in the lottery for natural selection.” With a sigh, she added, “There are always a couple of nutbars who ruin it for everybody.”

Martha, 52, was evidently one of those people. As she barreled toward her SUV, her shopping cart piled high, we asked her if she was interested in being interviewed. Hissing, she scurried faster and quickly unloaded the boxes in her trunk. Once her groceries were safely secured in her vehicle, we witnessed the spirit of an animal slowly exit her body, after which she changed her tune. “Listen,” she began, “you do what you have to do. It’s all about establishing dominance,” she explained. Martha then proudly recounted an incident from that very morning, “There was a woman in a minivan, and we both spotted a parking space at the same time. There was no way I was gonna let that lady and her snot-nosed kids take MY spot. I hit the gas, blew past the stop sign, and blocked her off before swooping in.”. Luckily, no one got hurt that time, but there was another close encounter. “One guy was walking back to his car, chatting it up on the phone. He had to jump out of the way,” she laughed, shrugging. Martha was certain that it wasn’t her fault and that he should have been paying more attention.

As the numbers from the report roll in, the City of Tallahassee continues to discuss potential fixes. For the time being, the superstore’s Board of Directors has advised shoppers to invest in defensive driving courses, as well as develop an emergency exit strategy for the premises. However, many have complained that these seem like short-term “band-aid” solutions. As shoppers, we must ask ourselves whether the allure of bulk goods is worth the dangers that come with them. Remember, it’s not just about what’s in your cart; it’s about whether you’ll live to shop again