FSU Begins to Militarize RA’s

In response to recent events across the country, Florida State University announced today that they are beginning an initiative to heavily arm every RA on campus. “Our RAs have the most important job on campus,” says interim president Garnett Stokes. “Who else is going to let the students know when they are having sex too loud or keep watch over the toilet paper supply? It is in everyone’s best interest that these students are provided with SWAT team gear and automatic weapons so that they can more adequately carry out their jobs and intimidate those who aren’t in a position of power.” FSU Resident Assistants are already being trained in the new methods of enforcing dorm policies. Instead of simply writing up a student for breaking a rule, RA’s will now pump tear gas through every air vent of the offending student’s dorm. Additionally, pepper spray will be used on any visitor not wearing a proper name tag and on any student who takes more than one chocolate chip cookie from the dining halls. FSU has also provided the dorm night staff with loaded rifles for their patrols with instructions to shoot on sight.

While students have voiced concern over the new system, the RA’s couldn’t be happier. “I became an RA for the same reason anyone else does: I was made fun of in high school and have a huge authority complex,” says FSU senior and three-time RA Robert Manion. “But now that I have all this unnecessary equipment, I feel like I can do anything to anybody with no consequences.”

Tensions have been high between students and RA’s as the RA enforcement measures continue to enhance. Activists from all over the state have come to FSU to protest on campus which has led to even more chaos after reports of looting at the Chilis on campus. In response, the university has provided the RA’s with Garnet and Gold military tanks to keep the crowd in line.

It is unclear when the conflict will end but it is clear that distributing massive weapons to untrained civilians is the best way to solve it.